Missy's Journal 29

Heeyo~ This will probably be a short post like last time, but I felt like writing an entry...

Haven't really done too much since last journal... I'm pathetic 'cause I haven't applied for jobs yet... meaning I haven't been getting paid. I'm taking from my saving 'cause I'm stupid Y_Y I'm just worried that I don't have interview clothes and I might have to go for an interview straight away (I guess I'm just paranoid... but it's affecting me) I need to apply for some damn jobs tomorrow (or technically later today)... I have to stop being so fail...

Umm... I have gotten around updating my name in a few more places... So I've made some progress, but I'm still lazy. I've also found a good way to tuck too... I bought stockings and cut off the legs... They work really well... And it's comfortable... weirdly enough, wearing them reminds me of wearing nappies? It feels similar somehow?

I haven't really been active in otherkin forums or chats, honestly, I feel isolated from the rest of the otherkin community as a demonkin... I haven't even met another one, even though I know there are some.
I have started to play a browser based game though... If you want you can join and earn me gold :p you have to play 'til you're lvl 6 though if you're only doing it as a favour though... but it's kinda fun... I'm a citizen of eJapan... and eJapan owns most of eSouth Korea :p
Go here to join...
Use that link so that I get marked as the referer... If you want to join... of course... this is pointless since I have NO readers...

Ummm... I can't think of what else to write... bai bai...
(I think I need to think of a cute name to call my readers...)

Missy's Journal 28

Ugh... I haven't posted for a while have I? Y_Y Lots has happened since last post and I didn't wanna come on just to bitch... You might have noticed that I added a yahoo pingbox to my page, meaning that if i'm online you can try to chat to me... I could give you my contact details if you're interested in chatting more seriously, I just don't want to post my contact details here... At least, not yet...

I've been struggling recently on unemployment welfare, 'cause i told them I wasn't studying anymore. I've got it under control, but I need to apply for jobs now. But at least I got over the depressive stage of being totally broke.

And some other interesting news, is that my family is starting to embrace me as a girl now. My brother who barely talks to me actually came up to me and chatted about it. And then the following day, I was confronted by my father, aunt and grandmother about it~ So now they're accepting me and it feels good. I'm thinking I need to be strongly positive from now on to reap all I can from life... ^_^

Also recently, I've been getting on otherkin chat rooms, trying to connect to that sort of community, but really its just somewhere to chat I guess. But in doing that I also got into a bit of metaphysics and such. I mean, since I started looking into chakra and energy manipulation, I'm feeling much more in control of my life. Its interesting. If you express interest in it, I can go into details but I think I'll leave it at that. Bai bai~

-by the way, i made this entire post on my mobile phone, so i apologise if it's crappy-

Lily's Journal 08-I Deserve Better

I have tried waiting. I have tried to follow the insanity pattern of doing the same thing over and expecting different results of waiting, but now I just expect the same. It has not worked. If it hasn't worked for the last 18 years of my life, what makes them think it will work now? I am tired of constantly having to act like the adult when the older adults acting like children. They say they know what's best and they can't even share my body with me to really see what's best. They just judge those younger than them based on what they know about them externally. They never effectively consider what could be going on inside of us. I keep hearing horror stories of people like me getting beat up for expressing themselves. High school is cruel but it is NO EXCUSE to shield me from ignorance and immaturity that is everywhere and places where high school is 200 hrs of community service compared to some places. So where's the sense in shielding me from the inescapable? I'll tell you where it is. There isn't any. There is no escape as it is everywhere. All we can really do is be careful in this dangerous world and always watch our back. This like government censorship. This all make me feel like an actor and my life is the TV show. Every episode there is black bar over my whole body that states in big letters, "CENSORED." This isn't what I want even for just 160 or so more days. Count me out, I just can't do it. I don't want to live a "censored" life. I deserve better and my life and those in real life who know about me KNOW it even if they don't admit it. There's more to life than survival. I am an 18 and entitled to my own decisions and still being under my parent's roof should not limit that as much as it has been. I voice my opinions, I tell them exactly how I feel and what I feel is right as an adult. I can register to vote and am legal and yet I speak out for what I believe in and just pushed aside like I'm still a kid who "doesn't know any better." It's always crap like "kids say the darndest things." I am 18 and tell everyone how I feel and yet I pushed aside as if I was only 8 years old talking about this stuff. People not even HALF my age have transitioned. What makes anyone think they can dictate when the best time to exercise my birthright is just because they are "older and wiser." They are just stuck in the time they grew up in. Things don't work the way they did 30-60 years ago. They over exaggerate saying I would need the entire football team as friends for something this big. Waiting may be the best thing for those who can do it, but I can't so just accept it. I just don't the patience and hard conscious of steel needed to wait any longer. If end up dropping out some day or getting into drug or other harmful habit they're going to wish they had given better advice. I can't say I want things to end up like that. Look, it doesn't matter how much more bearable they make waiting for me or what coping mechanisms they give to me, it will all end up the same for me. Any comfort from these coping mechanisms is short term and will not last as long as they think and I will just crash and be all depressed again. I don't want to live a lie any longer. Do they not see that they're advice has caused the suicide of so many trans folk. Accepting me is one thing. Sending me a mixed message by dictating for me when the best time to transition is something that should be an arrestable offense. I just can't wait any longer and would much rather take my chances with illegal hormones if they want me to wait so bad. I wake up every morning and put a fake smile on my face. I can't even do that anymore. It;s impossible now. They need to know that the only way for me to be happy is MY way. They will never really get it. They are just not like me. They have no idea what it's like to be in the wrong body, to live the wrong childhood, to go through the wrong puberty. THEY WILL NEVER completely know what that's like. It's up to me be brave and honest when others are being rather stupid. One person I came out to said the only opinions that really matter are those of the ones who see and love you for who you really are. That's the point. I;m doing this for myself to show myself externally who I really am. to show myself and others who see me for who I really am. This for me and those who see me for who I really am. I could live without a dress til I pass a good bit. I don't see why I can't wear V neck shirts, capris, girly flip flops, hair bows, paint my nails, wear make up. Or even so much as carry a purse.

I tried to come out last week and it immediately caught the attention of my school counselor. The principal claimed she understood but said I had to use my legal name to avoid confusion and some crap about classroom distraction. Legal name my butt!!! This is MY life, not a POLICE STATE!! They say they want to protect me from all those people. The only thing they're protecting me from is MYSELF!!! So then I talked with my mom's gay co worker who said he had to do a little soul searching before he came out and said school was hell. Well that's all fine and dandy that he was able to wait, but I'm just not and people just can't get it through their thick heads. I've been doing the things I know people can't stpp me if I don't let them. I work on my voice and act more like me. I will even save up for a legal name change. This song says what I;ve been trying to say to everyone, but ignores me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58CJih1iYC0 This song could never be more right about me.

And this song says how I feel inside. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wi1fmFNW9jE This song could also never be more right about me.

Missy's Journal 27

Oh goddess... I seriously need to update. I guess I've been putting it off because I've just been depressed when I've been online... I guess that's for the best. I don't want my entries to be too full of repetitive negativity...

I guess I really should start by telling you that I made up with my friends. After a little while of avoiding them I finally visited them and everything was pretty much as normal. Friends are valuable and you don't really ever want to lose them. But that was ages ago now. Things have been fine for a while. I mean, I've had my ups and downs but I'm progressing...

Since I last wrote a journal I started to wear make-up. More specifically liquid foundation and violet eyeliner. I should probably get some violet eye shadow too, but I haven't come across some I like while I've been out shopping. I really apreciate that my friends went shopping with me to give me the courage to purchase the make-up. It's really made me feel better, even though it hasn't really hidden the shadows of facial hair. It still looks better with foundation over it then it does with out it. And when I finally start getting electrolysis, it will begin to disappear anyway.

And the other day I went shopping with a friend for girly clothes. I went and bought a whole heap of tops from an op shop in the city. And they're pretty good clothes. Now I really need to get some girly pants and/or jeans. Of course, considering my height (more specifically leg length), I'd be better getting them online or something. Or at least from a proper store. I should really work out my pant size anyway.
And on a similar subject, I really should find a proper way to tuck *blush*... It's not that I don't know how to, it's that I need a way to hold it it place. I guess I need some tight underwear or something. I mean, it's not like it sticks out as it is, because it's not very big, but it would be better if it was securely out of the way. (T_T I want SRS already... It will be ages until I get to that point T_T)

At this point I really desperately need to get a job. Unfortunately I'm a mess. I don't know what jobs to look for and I worry about the way I look. I wish I was passable. I'm thinking of something out of the way, but only because I have so little confidence. It's not that I want to hide from the world. It's just that I don't feel particularly presentable, and I don't think a lot of people will employ me looking like I do. I guess I'm just insecure, but it hurts... I'll get a job eventually though i guess

Anyway... I might leave it at that... I'm sure I could talk about something else but its not flowing on my mind at the moment... I wish there was readers... but whatever... Hug-hug

Lily's Journal 07-Why Can't we All Just Coexist?

I don't understand it all how the even those who are different themselves can go ahead and somewhat defend society's views. To tell us to respect or go along with society's views just to "survive." This make no sense whatsoever. Waiting has it's benefits. But what do people expect us to do when this advice does not work when we have tried it? Keep sticking to something that doesn't work for one who has tried it? Why stick to something if it doesn't work? the whole waitig strategy doesn't work for everyone. It only works for people who are strong enough to pretend for however long they need to. But I am not one of these people. I feel strongly about what I want. and I NEED it now. Maybe not all at once. I would like to start out with the smallest ways possible. I want to talk like a girl, act like a girl, walk sit, anything like a girl. I want to adopt girly mannerisms. Get the basics down to maybe prove my conviction. An education and a job is nice and all. But what good are those things when you are not first comfortable with yourself? I mean, think about it, where is your motivation if you're not happy or comfortable with yourself? I would feel more motivation to do these steps based on honesty an comfort with myself and others than doing it simply because it's the norm. If killing was accepted and the norm in society? would you refuse to kill and be different? What about stealing? Would you be against stealing but steal anyway because it's the accepted norm and everyone else does it? Is self preservation really worth it? Think of the Salem Witch Trials. So many innocent people feared for their lives and would do anything to keep them. And that even meant confessing to crime they did not commit. And yet 3 good, honest people were willing to accept the consequences for standing up for what is right. John Proctor, Rebbecca Nurse, and Giles Cory were all killed just because they did the right thing. They refused to confess to a crime hey did not commit. Hiding your true self is in a way no different than confessing to a crime you did not commit because you "have" to. So people instead "avoid" all this hate, violence, and discrimination? Why? Cause society promotes self preservation over individuality? Self preservation and deceit over moral righteousness and honesty? All the discrimination, ridicule, and violence. Why is NOTHING being done to actually STOP it? And if there is stuff being done, it's too little to have a big impact. Maybe it's time we actually stood up for what we believe in. Part of that is accepting the consequences for doing so. I mean, Thoreau was jailed for refusing to a pay tax that he knew went towards slavery and he knew full well what would happen. There will always be situations where we risk injury or worse for standing up for our beliefs. so why avoid it? No doubt as someone here said before that my parents would let me go into war in the Middle East if i chose to do so. And all the people who waited 50+ years for what they needed. They could have went for what they needed at any time. All they needed was some support and a few inexpensive alternatives.

I'm not saying the waiting advice is bad. I'm only saying that people should do what works and that people should try it. If one tries it and it works, good for them, they can stick to it because it works. But people like me have tried it and found it did not work. So there's no point in sticking with something you have tried and hasn't worked for you so you need to try other things and find what works. If that means expressing myself in small basic ways. Like Talking, acting, walking, etc. like a girl then I don't see why I should not be allowed or encouraged to do so. I am now an adult, and a pretty responsible one at that. I should be allowed to make my own decisions.Despite the risks, think about what I and many others could be doing for the community. We could all make a difference in the lives of future different generations to come. We could make a difference in spreading awareness. We could make a difference in the whole world finally seeing ourselves as one thing. HUMAN!!

No social classes, no race discrimination, no handicap discrimination, no more gender discrimination, We are all once race. The Human Race. We are all human and the sooner and more people understand that, the sooner we can reach such a goal. This is NOT impossible. It can be done. All we have to do is stand up and do something to get there. Hiding our differences can be just as bad as being aware of it, but doing nothing at all. Sorry for such a long and powerful rant, but I had to express how I felt confused about how we let bigotry continue to exist. Some opinions may not be 100% correct, but I think I'm making my point very clear.

Missy's Journal 26

Since when did I become a soap opera character? I mean, seriously, it's being screwed up and over the top drama like one. I mean, considering what I am, I already make a fucked up enough person to be in a soap opera, but it seems to be extending to my social life.

I guess I never got the chance to tell you that I decided to make my old flatmate, and one of my friends into my girlfriend. At the same time I kept my online boyfriend and both knew I was now/still with the other and were fine with it. And i didn't care if she ended up making out with my other ex flatmate (Who happens to be her exgirlfriend anyway, who aren't together but usually make out every-so-often anyway).
But I guess the real drama starts here. I was at my girlfriends place with my other friend, when she finally realised that the two of us were a couple now. And the thing is, that she didn't take it well at all. She started looking at me in hate and disgust. She ran home (which is in the same apartment complex) and told us to leave her alone. So she starts sending me hateful and upsetting text messages (which by that time I was scared and shaken and upset) and eventually she gets my girlfriend to talk to her alone (and when she came back I convulsed in fear because I thought that the person coming in the door was the other friend. But eventually I went over there myself to try to cheer her up and talk to her about it.
In the end it really came down to this. If I didn't break up with my girlfriend, she'd never forgive me and wouldn't see either of us again. It wasn't even that she wanted my girlfriend, she'd be fine with some other girl, she just didn't want her best friends together (especially when one of them were an ex) Of course I didn't know what to do at all. I went back to my girlfriends place and cried. She tried to comfort me but I couldn't let her, and I was just on my phone texting to my boyfriend (who wasn't there to reply). My girlfriend eventually went to bed and I was just trying to figure out what I could possibly do, I was considering walking all the way to my family's place. Then my friend wanted me to bring her bandaids 'cause she hurt herself T_T.
So I went over to my friends place to worry about her, and I tried to cheer her up and make up with her. (But obviously she was upset and such and it's not like it's that easy, I mean breaking up with my girlfriend only means she can't hate me. She's still upset about the whole thing). I stayed with her for a while because I knew parts of her wanted me to stay even if she was trying to hate me, and I also didn't want her to hurt herself again. Then my boyfriend finally rang and complained that shouldn't walk to my family's place in the rain at a time past midnight. I did NOT promise him I would and I finally got him to stop talking to me. Then I went back to my (ex?) girlfriends place, packed up my stuff, and walked to family's place in the rain (I had an umbrella at least) and now here I am...

I don't know. I guess I could say I've broken up with her now, and that means it hasn't really lasted very long at all. It barely started. The problem with that is that she's still lonely at the moment and is probably going to hit the next girl as a rebound. I was supposed to be her rebound. Because I'm a friend who cares about her and wants to help her
And on the other end. I'm lonely again, I miss out on having someone who's there for me and actually cares for me. Friends can only ever be so close, and online lovers are too far too help much when you're down. And I'm the lonely type of person who can have lots of friends and still feel lonely... I suppose I don't feel like I'm special to anyone. I'm just another of their friends.

I don't know... I've gotten to a point where I just can't stand that I'm not properly dressing and wearing make up or whatever. I have to be fully submerged in the water of transition before I can stand a chance of passing. Even if I don't pass from it, I don't want to be held back by it all anymore. I desperately want to get a job now, but i can't even let myself do that until I'm being fully true to myself. I need to start doing it now. I'm just really lost and screwed up and I need a bit of help. The fact that I now have a awkward, broken relationship with my best friends, means I need to spontaneously do something crazy very soon. Hug-hug~

Well bai bai... Hopefully I can post something positive for my next journal entry... Oh... by the way, I got my new bank card in the mail a few weeks ago, and it's awesome that they gave me the title 'Ms.' on it~

PS. I blame an angel for tonight's drama. It started attacking me this evening and found more perverted ways to torture me. Finally before I left my friends place, I astral projected myself to attack it, summoning my minions to gang up on it, tortured it briefly and captured the bitch. I also caught the angels that tried to attack me on the walk to my family's. I'm trying to figure what I should do with them, currently I'm just draining them for energy. If you think I'm crazy, please ignore this rambling...

Missy's Journal 25

Y_Y I'm starting to neglect my blog as much as everyone else is. I suppose I never get a chance to post and when I do, I'm usually depressive, and that's NOT the time to be writing journals. Especially I've complained about most of it before. I want people to see the happy side of me too...

Last week I genuinely had an accident. I was busting to go to the toilet and I managed to get into my house and close the door, but by then I had reached my limit and I totally wet myself. And I mean 'puddle on the floor' wet myself. I might live alone, but that doesn't mean it wasn't humiliating and icky. And it's mean that my shoe still smells like pee, even though I washed it T_T...

On another subject, I've also become more scared easily. I was walking to the petrol station to get junk food with my friend, but then some guy came up to us and asked us for cigarettes. We said we didn't have any, but then he violently pushed my friend. She punched back and got in a fight and I was standing there panicking. And it wasn't like she was losing (she does mixed martial arts, and he was a teenager) but his friend came and helped him. I moved closer because I was worried and thought I'd have to get involved and then suddenly a car pulled into park brushing by my side and undercover police came out and stun gunned the guy right in front of me. But of course I didn't realise that at first and I was panicking, especially since the car had drove into my side all of a sudden. And I was just really shaken up. It's not like police make me feel anymore confident either, they scare me too.
I mean, once I was wearing a nappy as a went to the petrol station for junk food (Obviously I go to the petrol station for junk food quite a lot) and then randomly police grabbed me and frisked me (embarassing obviously) and questioned me because I must of matched the description of some burglar or suspicious person. And so I was sitting in the back of a paddywagon panicking. And I never felt comfortable around police in the first place, that situation just made me feel worse about them. But that's probably just like now. I've always been nervous of people at night, but now I'm starting to panick when I see people at night. I'm scared. And being trans make it all the more worse, because I can just imagine a transphobic attack on me in the future T_T.

Ohhh... I want to have a life already. I still need to get a job. And I still don't pass. I can see that I'm pretty, but it doesn't really matter if I don't pass does it... Some people say I do, but if no strangers treat me like a girl, then that really proves my fears doesn't it. I'm so stupid for not doing anything to help myself out. I'm just a weak, helpless little bitch. I mean I still try to spend each day trying to get on with it, but I'm not very good at it. I always wait for an opportunity to come to me because I can't go after anything myself. I'm worried about getting a job. Not so much about working, but the process of getting there. I'm an unpassable transgirl, and not all that exceptionally skilled. People aren't going to want to employ me unless they're desperate. And I need to get interview clothes (I need to get clothes period. I've refused to get clothes for years because I want to transition already and I want to cross the threshold already where I'm dressing the way I want to. Not wearing girly enough clothes is part of the reason I don't pass (but mostly facial hair shadows and cuts, which is what's stopping me from fully dressing) But I've said all this crap before... I do wish I had readers but what can you do Y_Y At least I got a diary...