Missy's Journal 25

Y_Y I'm starting to neglect my blog as much as everyone else is. I suppose I never get a chance to post and when I do, I'm usually depressive, and that's NOT the time to be writing journals. Especially I've complained about most of it before. I want people to see the happy side of me too...

Last week I genuinely had an accident. I was busting to go to the toilet and I managed to get into my house and close the door, but by then I had reached my limit and I totally wet myself. And I mean 'puddle on the floor' wet myself. I might live alone, but that doesn't mean it wasn't humiliating and icky. And it's mean that my shoe still smells like pee, even though I washed it T_T...

On another subject, I've also become more scared easily. I was walking to the petrol station to get junk food with my friend, but then some guy came up to us and asked us for cigarettes. We said we didn't have any, but then he violently pushed my friend. She punched back and got in a fight and I was standing there panicking. And it wasn't like she was losing (she does mixed martial arts, and he was a teenager) but his friend came and helped him. I moved closer because I was worried and thought I'd have to get involved and then suddenly a car pulled into park brushing by my side and undercover police came out and stun gunned the guy right in front of me. But of course I didn't realise that at first and I was panicking, especially since the car had drove into my side all of a sudden. And I was just really shaken up. It's not like police make me feel anymore confident either, they scare me too.
I mean, once I was wearing a nappy as a went to the petrol station for junk food (Obviously I go to the petrol station for junk food quite a lot) and then randomly police grabbed me and frisked me (embarassing obviously) and questioned me because I must of matched the description of some burglar or suspicious person. And so I was sitting in the back of a paddywagon panicking. And I never felt comfortable around police in the first place, that situation just made me feel worse about them. But that's probably just like now. I've always been nervous of people at night, but now I'm starting to panick when I see people at night. I'm scared. And being trans make it all the more worse, because I can just imagine a transphobic attack on me in the future T_T.

Ohhh... I want to have a life already. I still need to get a job. And I still don't pass. I can see that I'm pretty, but it doesn't really matter if I don't pass does it... Some people say I do, but if no strangers treat me like a girl, then that really proves my fears doesn't it. I'm so stupid for not doing anything to help myself out. I'm just a weak, helpless little bitch. I mean I still try to spend each day trying to get on with it, but I'm not very good at it. I always wait for an opportunity to come to me because I can't go after anything myself. I'm worried about getting a job. Not so much about working, but the process of getting there. I'm an unpassable transgirl, and not all that exceptionally skilled. People aren't going to want to employ me unless they're desperate. And I need to get interview clothes (I need to get clothes period. I've refused to get clothes for years because I want to transition already and I want to cross the threshold already where I'm dressing the way I want to. Not wearing girly enough clothes is part of the reason I don't pass (but mostly facial hair shadows and cuts, which is what's stopping me from fully dressing) But I've said all this crap before... I do wish I had readers but what can you do Y_Y At least I got a diary...