Change Baby Girls

Missy's Journal 29

2009-10-03T01:55:00.002+08:00

Heeyo~ This will probably be a short post like last time, but I felt like writing an entry...

Haven't really done too much since last journal... I'm pathetic 'cause I haven't applied for jobs yet... meaning I haven't been getting paid. I'm taking from my saving 'cause I'm stupid Y_Y I'm just worried that I don't have interview clothes and I might have to go for an interview straight away (I guess I'm just paranoid... but it's affecting me) I need to apply for some damn jobs tomorrow (or technically later today)... I have to stop being so fail...

Umm... I have gotten around updating my name in a few more places... So I've made some progress, but I'm still lazy. I've also found a good way to tuck too... I bought stockings and cut off the legs... They work really well... And it's comfortable... weirdly enough, wearing them reminds me of wearing nappies? It feels similar somehow?

I haven't really been active in otherkin forums or chats, honestly, I feel isolated from the rest of the otherkin community as a demonkin... I haven't even met another one, even though I know there are some.
I have started to play a browser based game though... If you want you can join and earn me gold :p you have to play 'til you're lvl 6 though if you're only doing it as a favour though... but it's kinda fun... I'm a citizen of eJapan... and eJapan owns most of eSouth Korea :p
Go here to join...
Use that link so that I get marked as the referer... If you want to join... of course... this is pointless since I have NO readers...

Ummm... I can't think of what else to write... bai bai...
(I think I need to think of a cute name to call my readers...)

Missy's Journal 28

2009-09-21T14:28:00.001+08:00

Ugh... I haven't posted for a while have I? Y_Y Lots has happened since last post and I didn't wanna come on just to bitch... You might have noticed that I added a yahoo pingbox to my page, meaning that if i'm online you can try to chat to me... I could give you my contact details if you're interested in chatting more seriously, I just don't want to post my contact details here... At least, not yet...

I've been struggling recently on unemployment welfare, 'cause i told them I wasn't studying anymore. I've got it under control, but I need to apply for jobs now. But at least I got over the depressive stage of being totally broke.

And some other interesting news, is that my family is starting to embrace me as a girl now. My brother who barely talks to me actually came up to me and chatted about it. And then the following day, I was confronted by my father, aunt and grandmother about it~ So now they're accepting me and it feels good. I'm thinking I need to be strongly positive from now on to reap all I can from life... ^_^

Also recently, I've been getting on otherkin chat rooms, trying to connect to that sort of community, but really its just somewhere to chat I guess. But in doing that I also got into a bit of metaphysics and such. I mean, since I started looking into chakra and energy manipulation, I'm feeling much more in control of my life. Its interesting. If you express interest in it, I can go into details but I think I'll leave it at that. Bai bai~

-by the way, i made this entire post on my mobile phone, so i apologise if it's crappy-

Lily's Journal 08-I Deserve Better

2009-08-30T02:53:00.002+08:00

I have tried waiting. I have tried to follow the insanity pattern of doing the same thing over and expecting different results of waiting, but now I just expect the same. It has not worked. If it hasn't worked for the last 18 years of my life, what makes them think it will work now? I am tired of constantly having to act like the adult when the older adults acting like children. They say they know what's best and they can't even share my body with me to really see what's best. They just judge those younger than them based on what they know about them externally. They never effectively consider what could be going on inside of us. I keep hearing horror stories of people like me getting beat up for expressing themselves. High school is cruel but it is NO EXCUSE to shield me from ignorance and immaturity that is everywhere and places where high school is 200 hrs of community service compared to some places. So where's the sense in shielding me from the inescapable? I'll tell you where it is. There isn't any. There is no escape as it is everywhere. All we can really do is be careful in this dangerous world and always watch our back. This like government censorship. This all make me feel like an actor and my life is the TV show. Every episode there is black bar over my whole body that states in big letters, "CENSORED." This isn't what I want even for just 160 or so more days. Count me out, I just can't do it. I don't want to live a "censored" life. I deserve better and my life and those in real life who know about me KNOW it even if they don't admit it. There's more to life than survival. I am an 18 and entitled to my own decisions and still being under my parent's roof should not limit that as much as it has been. I voice my opinions, I tell them exactly how I feel and what I feel is right as an adult. I can register to vote and am legal and yet I speak out for what I believe in and just pushed aside like I'm still a kid who "doesn't know any better." It's always crap like "kids say the darndest things." I am 18 and tell everyone how I feel and yet I pushed aside as if I was only 8 years old talking about this stuff. People not even HALF my age have transitioned. What makes anyone think they can dictate when the best time to exercise my birthright is just because they are "older and wiser." They are just stuck in the time they grew up in. Things don't work the way they did 30-60 years ago. They over exaggerate saying I would need the entire football team as friends for something this big. Waiting may be the best thing for those who can do it, but I can't so just accept it. I just don't the patience and hard conscious of steel needed to wait any longer. If end up dropping out some day or getting into drug or other harmful habit they're going to wish they had given better advice. I can't say I want things to end up like that. Look, it doesn't matter how much more bearable they make waiting for me or what coping mechanisms they give to me, it will all end up the same for me. Any comfort from these coping mechanisms is short term and will not last as long as they think and I will just crash and be all depressed again. I don't want to live a lie any longer. Do they not see that they're advice has caused the suicide of so many trans folk. Accepting me is one thing. Sending me a mixed message by dictating for me when the best time to transition is something that should be an arrestable offense. I just can't wait any longer and would much rather take my chances with illegal hormones if they want me to wait so bad. I wake up every morning and put a fake smile on my face. I can't even do that anymore. It;s impossible now. They need to know that the only way for me to be happy is MY way. They will never really get it. They are just not like me. They have no idea what it's like to be in the wrong body, to live the wrong childhood, to go through the wrong puberty. THEY WILL NEVER completely know what that's like. It's up to me be brave and honest when others are being rather stupid. One person I came out to said the only opinions that really matter are those of the ones who see and love you for who you really are. That's the point. I;m doing this for myself to show myself externally who I really am. to show myself and others who see me for who I really am. This for me and those who see me for who I really am. I could live without a dress til I pass a good bit. I don't see why I can't wear V neck shirts, capris, girly flip flops, hair bows, paint my nails, wear make up. Or even so much as carry a purse.

I tried to come out last week and it immediately caught the attention of my school counselor. The principal claimed she understood but said I had to use my legal name to avoid confusion and some crap about classroom distraction. Legal name my butt!!! This is MY life, not a POLICE STATE!! They say they want to protect me from all those people. The only thing they're protecting me from is MYSELF!!! So then I talked with my mom's gay co worker who said he had to do a little soul searching before he came out and said school was hell. Well that's all fine and dandy that he was able to wait, but I'm just not and people just can't get it through their thick heads. I've been doing the things I know people can't stpp me if I don't let them. I work on my voice and act more like me. I will even save up for a legal name change. This song says what I;ve been trying to say to everyone, but ignores me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58CJih1iYC0 This song could never be more right about me.

And this song says how I feel inside. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wi1fmFNW9jE This song could also never be more right about me.

Missy's Journal 27

2009-08-18T01:40:00.003+08:00

Oh goddess... I seriously need to update. I guess I've been putting it off because I've just been depressed when I've been online... I guess that's for the best. I don't want my entries to be too full of repetitive negativity...

I guess I really should start by telling you that I made up with my friends. After a little while of avoiding them I finally visited them and everything was pretty much as normal. Friends are valuable and you don't really ever want to lose them. But that was ages ago now. Things have been fine for a while. I mean, I've had my ups and downs but I'm progressing...

Since I last wrote a journal I started to wear make-up. More specifically liquid foundation and violet eyeliner. I should probably get some violet eye shadow too, but I haven't come across some I like while I've been out shopping. I really apreciate that my friends went shopping with me to give me the courage to purchase the make-up. It's really made me feel better, even though it hasn't really hidden the shadows of facial hair. It still looks better with foundation over it then it does with out it. And when I finally start getting electrolysis, it will begin to disappear anyway.

And the other day I went shopping with a friend for girly clothes. I went and bought a whole heap of tops from an op shop in the city. And they're pretty good clothes. Now I really need to get some girly pants and/or jeans. Of course, considering my height (more specifically leg length), I'd be better getting them online or something. Or at least from a proper store. I should really work out my pant size anyway.
And on a similar subject, I really should find a proper way to tuck *blush*... It's not that I don't know how to, it's that I need a way to hold it it place. I guess I need some tight underwear or something. I mean, it's not like it sticks out as it is, because it's not very big, but it would be better if it was securely out of the way. (T_T I want SRS already... It will be ages until I get to that point T_T)

At this point I really desperately need to get a job. Unfortunately I'm a mess. I don't know what jobs to look for and I worry about the way I look. I wish I was passable. I'm thinking of something out of the way, but only because I have so little confidence. It's not that I want to hide from the world. It's just that I don't feel particularly presentable, and I don't think a lot of people will employ me looking like I do. I guess I'm just insecure, but it hurts... I'll get a job eventually though i guess

Anyway... I might leave it at that... I'm sure I could talk about something else but its not flowing on my mind at the moment... I wish there was readers... but whatever... Hug-hug

Lily's Journal 07-Why Can't we All Just Coexist?

2009-07-23T05:36:00.002+08:00

I don't understand it all how the even those who are different themselves can go ahead and somewhat defend society's views. To tell us to respect or go along with society's views just to "survive." This make no sense whatsoever. Waiting has it's benefits. But what do people expect us to do when this advice does not work when we have tried it? Keep sticking to something that doesn't work for one who has tried it? Why stick to something if it doesn't work? the whole waitig strategy doesn't work for everyone. It only works for people who are strong enough to pretend for however long they need to. But I am not one of these people. I feel strongly about what I want. and I NEED it now. Maybe not all at once. I would like to start out with the smallest ways possible. I want to talk like a girl, act like a girl, walk sit, anything like a girl. I want to adopt girly mannerisms. Get the basics down to maybe prove my conviction. An education and a job is nice and all. But what good are those things when you are not first comfortable with yourself? I mean, think about it, where is your motivation if you're not happy or comfortable with yourself? I would feel more motivation to do these steps based on honesty an comfort with myself and others than doing it simply because it's the norm. If killing was accepted and the norm in society? would you refuse to kill and be different? What about stealing? Would you be against stealing but steal anyway because it's the accepted norm and everyone else does it? Is self preservation really worth it? Think of the Salem Witch Trials. So many innocent people feared for their lives and would do anything to keep them. And that even meant confessing to crime they did not commit. And yet 3 good, honest people were willing to accept the consequences for standing up for what is right. John Proctor, Rebbecca Nurse, and Giles Cory were all killed just because they did the right thing. They refused to confess to a crime hey did not commit. Hiding your true self is in a way no different than confessing to a crime you did not commit because you "have" to. So people instead "avoid" all this hate, violence, and discrimination? Why? Cause society promotes self preservation over individuality? Self preservation and deceit over moral righteousness and honesty? All the discrimination, ridicule, and violence. Why is NOTHING being done to actually STOP it? And if there is stuff being done, it's too little to have a big impact. Maybe it's time we actually stood up for what we believe in. Part of that is accepting the consequences for doing so. I mean, Thoreau was jailed for refusing to a pay tax that he knew went towards slavery and he knew full well what would happen. There will always be situations where we risk injury or worse for standing up for our beliefs. so why avoid it? No doubt as someone here said before that my parents would let me go into war in the Middle East if i chose to do so. And all the people who waited 50+ years for what they needed. They could have went for what they needed at any time. All they needed was some support and a few inexpensive alternatives.

I'm not saying the waiting advice is bad. I'm only saying that people should do what works and that people should try it. If one tries it and it works, good for them, they can stick to it because it works. But people like me have tried it and found it did not work. So there's no point in sticking with something you have tried and hasn't worked for you so you need to try other things and find what works. If that means expressing myself in small basic ways. Like Talking, acting, walking, etc. like a girl then I don't see why I should not be allowed or encouraged to do so. I am now an adult, and a pretty responsible one at that. I should be allowed to make my own decisions.Despite the risks, think about what I and many others could be doing for the community. We could all make a difference in the lives of future different generations to come. We could make a difference in spreading awareness. We could make a difference in the whole world finally seeing ourselves as one thing. HUMAN!!

No social classes, no race discrimination, no handicap discrimination, no more gender discrimination, We are all once race. The Human Race. We are all human and the sooner and more people understand that, the sooner we can reach such a goal. This is NOT impossible. It can be done. All we have to do is stand up and do something to get there. Hiding our differences can be just as bad as being aware of it, but doing nothing at all. Sorry for such a long and powerful rant, but I had to express how I felt confused about how we let bigotry continue to exist. Some opinions may not be 100% correct, but I think I'm making my point very clear.

Missy's Journal 26

2009-07-23T02:52:00.002+08:00

Since when did I become a soap opera character? I mean, seriously, it's being screwed up and over the top drama like one. I mean, considering what I am, I already make a fucked up enough person to be in a soap opera, but it seems to be extending to my social life.

I guess I never got the chance to tell you that I decided to make my old flatmate, and one of my friends into my girlfriend. At the same time I kept my online boyfriend and both knew I was now/still with the other and were fine with it. And i didn't care if she ended up making out with my other ex flatmate (Who happens to be her exgirlfriend anyway, who aren't together but usually make out every-so-often anyway).
But I guess the real drama starts here. I was at my girlfriends place with my other friend, when she finally realised that the two of us were a couple now. And the thing is, that she didn't take it well at all. She started looking at me in hate and disgust. She ran home (which is in the same apartment complex) and told us to leave her alone. So she starts sending me hateful and upsetting text messages (which by that time I was scared and shaken and upset) and eventually she gets my girlfriend to talk to her alone (and when she came back I convulsed in fear because I thought that the person coming in the door was the other friend. But eventually I went over there myself to try to cheer her up and talk to her about it.
In the end it really came down to this. If I didn't break up with my girlfriend, she'd never forgive me and wouldn't see either of us again. It wasn't even that she wanted my girlfriend, she'd be fine with some other girl, she just didn't want her best friends together (especially when one of them were an ex) Of course I didn't know what to do at all. I went back to my girlfriends place and cried. She tried to comfort me but I couldn't let her, and I was just on my phone texting to my boyfriend (who wasn't there to reply). My girlfriend eventually went to bed and I was just trying to figure out what I could possibly do, I was considering walking all the way to my family's place. Then my friend wanted me to bring her bandaids 'cause she hurt herself T_T.
So I went over to my friends place to worry about her, and I tried to cheer her up and make up with her. (But obviously she was upset and such and it's not like it's that easy, I mean breaking up with my girlfriend only means she can't hate me. She's still upset about the whole thing). I stayed with her for a while because I knew parts of her wanted me to stay even if she was trying to hate me, and I also didn't want her to hurt herself again. Then my boyfriend finally rang and complained that shouldn't walk to my family's place in the rain at a time past midnight. I did NOT promise him I would and I finally got him to stop talking to me. Then I went back to my (ex?) girlfriends place, packed up my stuff, and walked to family's place in the rain (I had an umbrella at least) and now here I am...

I don't know. I guess I could say I've broken up with her now, and that means it hasn't really lasted very long at all. It barely started. The problem with that is that she's still lonely at the moment and is probably going to hit the next girl as a rebound. I was supposed to be her rebound. Because I'm a friend who cares about her and wants to help her
And on the other end. I'm lonely again, I miss out on having someone who's there for me and actually cares for me. Friends can only ever be so close, and online lovers are too far too help much when you're down. And I'm the lonely type of person who can have lots of friends and still feel lonely... I suppose I don't feel like I'm special to anyone. I'm just another of their friends.

I don't know... I've gotten to a point where I just can't stand that I'm not properly dressing and wearing make up or whatever. I have to be fully submerged in the water of transition before I can stand a chance of passing. Even if I don't pass from it, I don't want to be held back by it all anymore. I desperately want to get a job now, but i can't even let myself do that until I'm being fully true to myself. I need to start doing it now. I'm just really lost and screwed up and I need a bit of help. The fact that I now have a awkward, broken relationship with my best friends, means I need to spontaneously do something crazy very soon. Hug-hug~

Well bai bai... Hopefully I can post something positive for my next journal entry... Oh... by the way, I got my new bank card in the mail a few weeks ago, and it's awesome that they gave me the title 'Ms.' on it~

PS. I blame an angel for tonight's drama. It started attacking me this evening and found more perverted ways to torture me. Finally before I left my friends place, I astral projected myself to attack it, summoning my minions to gang up on it, tortured it briefly and captured the bitch. I also caught the angels that tried to attack me on the walk to my family's. I'm trying to figure what I should do with them, currently I'm just draining them for energy. If you think I'm crazy, please ignore this rambling...

Missy's Journal 25

2009-07-09T03:39:00.002+08:00

Y_Y I'm starting to neglect my blog as much as everyone else is. I suppose I never get a chance to post and when I do, I'm usually depressive, and that's NOT the time to be writing journals. Especially I've complained about most of it before. I want people to see the happy side of me too...

Last week I genuinely had an accident. I was busting to go to the toilet and I managed to get into my house and close the door, but by then I had reached my limit and I totally wet myself. And I mean 'puddle on the floor' wet myself. I might live alone, but that doesn't mean it wasn't humiliating and icky. And it's mean that my shoe still smells like pee, even though I washed it T_T...

On another subject, I've also become more scared easily. I was walking to the petrol station to get junk food with my friend, but then some guy came up to us and asked us for cigarettes. We said we didn't have any, but then he violently pushed my friend. She punched back and got in a fight and I was standing there panicking. And it wasn't like she was losing (she does mixed martial arts, and he was a teenager) but his friend came and helped him. I moved closer because I was worried and thought I'd have to get involved and then suddenly a car pulled into park brushing by my side and undercover police came out and stun gunned the guy right in front of me. But of course I didn't realise that at first and I was panicking, especially since the car had drove into my side all of a sudden. And I was just really shaken up. It's not like police make me feel anymore confident either, they scare me too.
I mean, once I was wearing a nappy as a went to the petrol station for junk food (Obviously I go to the petrol station for junk food quite a lot) and then randomly police grabbed me and frisked me (embarassing obviously) and questioned me because I must of matched the description of some burglar or suspicious person. And so I was sitting in the back of a paddywagon panicking. And I never felt comfortable around police in the first place, that situation just made me feel worse about them. But that's probably just like now. I've always been nervous of people at night, but now I'm starting to panick when I see people at night. I'm scared. And being trans make it all the more worse, because I can just imagine a transphobic attack on me in the future T_T.

Ohhh... I want to have a life already. I still need to get a job. And I still don't pass. I can see that I'm pretty, but it doesn't really matter if I don't pass does it... Some people say I do, but if no strangers treat me like a girl, then that really proves my fears doesn't it. I'm so stupid for not doing anything to help myself out. I'm just a weak, helpless little bitch. I mean I still try to spend each day trying to get on with it, but I'm not very good at it. I always wait for an opportunity to come to me because I can't go after anything myself. I'm worried about getting a job. Not so much about working, but the process of getting there. I'm an unpassable transgirl, and not all that exceptionally skilled. People aren't going to want to employ me unless they're desperate. And I need to get interview clothes (I need to get clothes period. I've refused to get clothes for years because I want to transition already and I want to cross the threshold already where I'm dressing the way I want to. Not wearing girly enough clothes is part of the reason I don't pass (but mostly facial hair shadows and cuts, which is what's stopping me from fully dressing) But I've said all this crap before... I do wish I had readers but what can you do Y_Y At least I got a diary...

Missy's Journal 24

2009-06-20T03:30:00.002+08:00

Oh... I've neglected you a bit haven't I blog... I guess I finally got addicted to Facebook and got lost amongst it...

Speaking of being lost... I've been falling apart quite a lot recently... I've been crying far too much and breaking down in front of my family. I've also not gone to TAFE this week.
I guess I just don't know what I'm gonna do in my life now... I'm failing TAFE 'cause I'm too depressed to get homework assignments done and it's stressing me out. I considered part time TAFE next semester but maybe I might just work for a bit without going to TAFE. I mean I don't really feel like dealing with it. Of course I still have to try and pass all I can now... But I don't even feel like I can do that.

And I don't know... I don't have any conviction for living here. I don't have passion in what I'm doing. I'd be happy to be a library technician, but that requires me to get through TAFE first. But there isn't any career I have a passion for. And that's my problem. I can enjoy life, but if I'm not supporting myself, I'm just a burden. And I wouldn't want that... And I don't even know how I could achieve that in any satisfactory way regardless...

I suppose I just need to relax... and think of what I'll be doing next rather than trying to plan my future 'cause I'm a drifter and I just need to wait for the opportunities I'm given...

Missy's Journal 23

2009-06-08T22:05:00.003+08:00

Heeyo~ I got myself a new laptop the other day... An Acer Aspire One... It's a cute little laptop, no disk drive, but it picks up wireless signals so I can now exploit internets (YAAAY~!!!) Incidentally, my parents got a wireless modem, so I don't need to fight for their computer anymore...

I just got my change of name certificate... They gave me a birth certificate with it, but it's not an ammended copy, it just lists the change down the bottom. I asked for an ammended copy so I guess I'll have to complain about that... Which is annoying... But atleast now, I have proof to change my name on forms and such...

Still struggling along with everything... I don't know... Atleast now I can scratch at story every-so-often. I really should harass the internet company, 'cause it looks like they've forgotten me... and now I've got a working computer... I haven't put my other computer into service yet. I just don't know where to send it.
I have so much to worry about T_T... TAFE assignments and I don't know... I'm collapsing under all my responsibility.

Anyway... I guess this is just a quick journal to update the invisible readers on things... Bai bai~

Missy's Journal 22

2009-05-30T22:14:00.004+08:00

Yaaay!!!
On Friday, I actually bothered to get my name changed! Now I'm legally 'Marissa Emily ______'. The blank is my last name, but I'd be silly to tell you it. It's the same one I was born with anyway. Hehe... And I get it changed on my birth certificate too~ Hehe... Waiting to receive my new birth certificate in the mail.

Hehe... It's been a little while since I last posted hasn't it? (...Wait, does 'hasn't it' make sense? That would be 'has not it'... Y_Y) Anyway... I haven't done all that much else since my birthday. I mean, I've gone out and had fun, and whatever, but I haven't really got anything to go on about. I feel like I have a bit more self confidence these days. I can probably push myself through certain obstacles I have now. I've been wearing a bra today but it's too small, so it strangles me. And it's not like my breasts fill the cup anyway... I'm a 16B, so I should wear an 18A bra... (Australian clothing sizes... I'm not 'merican, who use inches.) I was wearing a 14C Y_Y

And it's really lonely. Only Lily wished me happy birthday... so I guess no one reads this... T_T Hug-hug all... I need to make us more popular...

Missy's Journal 21 - Birthday

2009-05-04T17:44:00.004+08:00

Hehe... Journal 21 for my 21st Birthday... Although if you add 2 and 1 you get 3... So it's my 3rd birthday :p

But I don't know... nothing really to report, I haven't actually really done anything today... Even shopping in the city with my brother was cut short because he had to do something. He did manage to get me a couple of manga though at least. Pity I couldn't go to Empire Toy's though, because I wanted to pick up May issue of Yen + ((An American magazine that runs chapters of Korean, Original English Language, and Japanese manga)). Yesterday I got presents from extended family: Mink blanket, Microwave, Cafe Grill... ((I don't have anywhere good in my kitchen to put the microwave, I put it on the fridge, but it doesn't look right)) I guess I'll have any other presents later in the week, I know my boyfriend is sending me something and my friend is gonna take me shopping next weekend. The thing is my parents tend to ask us what we want for birthday / christmas presents... And I'm really not sure what to ask Mother for... hehe... I remember one year I didn't claim a birthday present... and bundled it with my christmas present to get a computer (which I still half paid for anyway)...

I don't know... What I should be doing... I wonder what they're making me for dinner... I should go check. Oooh... Stir-Fry...

But yeah... anyway... I might leave it at that... maybe update it a little later if I think of anything else... Can I have proof of readers by seeing a Happy Birthday comment

Missy's Journal 20

2009-05-02T16:40:00.002+08:00

Ha... Maybe I should make another journal on Monday...

*sigh* Whatever... No one really reads this anyway... Not even my stories, I mean, I even submitted it to ADISC and no one has even touched it Y_Y

I guess I don't really like ADISC that much anymore, I mean I guess ADISC was never as good as TBDL.org, but with Kraiden leaving, it's gotten somewhat serious. I mean people like to bitch that it hasn't changed and that people should stop causing drama with leaving posts. But while some people are being attention seeking drama queens, you can't deny the touch of truth in it.
The real veterans of TBDL.org were bitches and hard-asses :p I'm joking... but it was kind of true. It had that anti-bullshit and anti-pervert value that people were able to express against and have fun with. It wasn't unwelcoming, it just meant that people needed to shape up to fit in. My first posts to TBDL.org were shamefully pathetic, but thanks to the bitching and joking of members, I shaped myself up.
Now, it's not really that ADISC has dropped their values so much. It's that it's taboo to really express your emotion about those values. It wants to invite lots and lots of members (And I find small, quality forums are better, but anyway) and wants the member to be friendly and not as hard on the masses that are joining. They didn't even allow people to continue to use funny captioned pictures against people.
It's kind of sad that the admin deleted Kraidens leaving post, But forums are dictatorships after all. You just want a dictator you like...

Now the point is, ADISC isn't a crap site. It's still a very good one, It's just that I yearn like others, for a ABDL community that's more like what disgruntled TBDL.org veterans are looking for. DLTown had that kind of attitude, but being a social networking site, It had too much freedom for perverts and trolls to waste the bandwidth uploading stupid videos and pictures and looking at other peoples stuff. And realistically, social networking sites aren't unified, so the community is just the people you chat with a lot.

Ha... I really need to update my links at some stage... Probably have to give Lily's post tags too... It's great that someone else uses this forum though, even if they speak in baby talk :p

*sigh* It's my birthday on Monday and still no plans, not even for the weekend. I guess I'll have to chase after someone to hang with, But friends or family? What day should I be with who? I know I haven't asked for anything. But it's disheartening that I have to chase up plans myself. No friends or family that even force me out somewhere. I just wanna have a bit of fun on my birthday or atleast this weekend. Living alone means I there's no one at home to even do anything with, So I probably have to make plans... Oh... look at the time... I don't even have time today to go shopping in the city with anyone. I hope my brother can atleast take me to some random movie tonight though, Maybe I'll go to the city with friends tomorrow and do something with them. I just don't know

Ha... I'm a selfish little bitch, complaining about my birthday, but I got over self-depriving thoughts of birthdays in previous years, and it's not like I've ever done much for my birthday. I'm just a lonely girl looking to feel wanted. Wish I could have my internet installed at home already... they're taking too long... I guess I WON'T have it before my birthday.

Anyway... Bai bai invisible readers... Hug-hug...

Lily's Journal 06-How the baby girl came to be

2009-05-01T11:11:00.003+08:00

me fink me shood tell u how me realized me true self.

me heard it takes girls longer to potty twain dan boys. well, it took me til me was bout 3 or 4 to be completely off diapers. an eben den me still had me fair share ob accidents. poop accidents were pwetty common for me. an day time pee accidents were vewy rare for me. wots ob times when me was weely focused on doing somefing me wikes me wood completely ignore da sign me needs to go, den boom, accident city. den at 5, bedwettin, stopped at bout 6. me was pwetty much in some form ob day care til 3rd gwade. it was dat stay in day care, age 7, me realized me wanna be in diapers again. an seeing how long it took to potty twain me to a state ob no accidents at all, me knew me shooda been a girl but kept it in da back ob me mind. wheneber me got a chance, me wood sneak a baby diaper an go behind da pool an wear an wet 1. it felt so good. fwom what me remembers it mustve been da 1997 Pampers Baby Dwy. da soft plastic, da cute design, da padding, me wanted it all. but no1 kood know. 1 time me got careless an me RL mom found a rash on me after a baf. all her said was me no wear diapers no more an never bwot it up again. me hopped skools alot, since around 7 me was diagnosed wiff high functioning autism. but me urges still went on. for a while me fot me was alone an da only 1 who had dem.

in dat after skool powgwam me met dis severely disabled girl named Mary an her wore diapers. dis is when me discovered adult diapers, or at her size, youth diapers. dey wooked wunnerful. but dey were 2 big for me me fink. dey had eifer 4 or 6 tapes wiff bloo words written on dem. dey were wite an yellow lines as wetness indicators which me had no idea what dey were at da time, me just fot dey were designs. wheneber her walked dey cwinkled vewy loud. me wanted dat feeling so bad. but felt alone. me got to twy on her diapers a few times thwuout me days in dat after skool pwogwam. but me neber actually had da courage to actually tape 1 on meself. dey were wot diffwent fwom baby diapers in dat dey had 3 folds instead ob 2. it felt gweat twying dem. me felt safe. da wast time me eber got to twy a weel diaper was when me was 11. dis was when me discovered me ober feelings bout diapers an me stwange arousal by dem. Me wood neber be able to twy anofer weel diaper again til me was 15.

As for me discovery ob me twu gender, all thwu me life me wood wear me moms shoes, use stuff to make bweasts, just bout anyfing to wook wike a girl. what me fot was a harmless joke at da time became what me neber expected me serious realization dat me indeed was a girl but in da wong body. me remember a time going to McDonald's wiff me gwandpawents an gettin a happy meal an dey were out ob boy targeted toys so instead me got a Barbie. Me wooked at it wiff an expwession ob wonder on me face an at da same time, confusion. Some unkown force pwevented me fwom complaining about da toy me recieved. Thwu me years after age 11 me wood use alternatives for diapers, commonly plastic bags, an sometimes me unnerwear itself. Me was yelled at all me life but it somehow didn't bother me as much as it does now.

Me used to be so clingy towards me RL mom. always yelling mommy wheneber her got home. Always wunning to her an away fwom me RL dad. dat changed as me got older. Me got along so weel wiff me RL mom an so horrible wiff me RL dad an den gwadually dwew farther away fwom me RL mom an closer to me RL dad. 1 fairly good relationship twaded itself for anofer. me still fot me RL dad meant harm wiff al his yelling. Me wood fink bout it an come to da conclusion dat his behavior is comin fwom me RL moms negative influence. He's naturally a hardass at most times but when he yells he shows no mercy, picked up fwom em RL mom. Fings were fine to a degree up in peaceful New England. Eberyfing changed foreber da moment me said goodbye to me old house an saw beautiful Massachusets for da wast time an went to da not so peachy peach state ob Georgia. Eberyfing went to hell after dat move.

Words kinnot descwibe just how much me came to hate dis pathetic white twash hick state. da ppl are rude, most ob dem hab an attitude, an dey all seem to hab a fetish for picking on "Yankees" wike me. moving here was da biggest mistake eber, but da only good fing dat came out ob it was da only person to eber weely support me. as me gwew up here, me view ob society, an da US as a whole changed foreber. No longer pwoud to be an American, but ashamed. me questioned religion, did research, read up on all me kood. in Jan 07, at age 15 in me fweshman year ob high skool, me gwandpawents moved in wiff us. we had visited dem up north back in Oct. da pwevious year ob 06. me also had to gib up me beloved cat, Gloria up for adoption since me RL gwanpa is stwongly allergic. Me is a huge cat person but for da time being me had to make due wiff a dog. her is cute, me does wuv her, but no canine kood eber replace Gloria. it was den when me RL GPawents moved in an had a single remaining weel diaper since me RL Gpa had a bad stwoke a year or so back. me took it an kept it in storage, dis time me decided to tape it on, but da tapes had worn fwom being in storage in me room. Me didn't use it much an returned it soo after an no1 weely told a diffwence. Me wood depwived ob any from ob weel diaper til hopefully dis summer, or next winter if not den. It was adult pull ups fwom me RL gwanpawents until den. Dey were nice but werent da same as a diaper, just unnerwear wiff a huge pad in it.

at around 15, me discovered me indead was not alone in me wuv for diapers. me kept readin on an researchin more bout meself. well into age 16 me got more in touch wiff me feminine side an wanted to RP as a baby girl while remaining in body, a male. me was a sissy for a long time. a few months after me joined imvu in late Dec ob 07, me met Tawa an it was den me discovered me knew was a girl all dis time but fear ob rejection an an embedded routine ob conformity had kept me silent bout me desires. her wood become me steppin stone to bein independant an livin da way me wants to live. me researched more an fot an decided me wants da twansition all da way to surgery an da stage was set. me aslo experimented wiff messin when me was mainly focused on wettin, an did it mroe an more til me eventually got used to it. me began to see da many errors ob toilet twaining. public bafrooms were nasty, holding it hurt, habing to go during long road trips was unbearable. at around early age 17, me decided me had enuff an wood persue complete incontinence an diapered 24/7 status da moment me had da pwivqacy to do so. When da skool year ob age 17 started, fings were taken da extweme. tensions were off da charts, dwama became suicide inducing, gender dysphoria became clearly visible inside me. it just got worse an worse wiff each passin month.

gettin yelled at deeply upset me an bwot back horrible flashbacks. it often left me cwyin meself to sleep many nites. an da infamous FL vacation ob Feb. 08. Me had some fun, but it was mostly just gettin yelled at, cwyin meself to sleep, an spendin ebery day wishin me was back home. da dwama IRL an on imvu got worse wiff all da spunky stuff an whatnot an conflicts wiff ofer fwends. Me also met Ashley an Babsie who are 2 ob me best fwends on imvu an are also ABDLS wike me cept dey were born girls. Den Mysi started dis blog dis year an can come here to share me fots an feelings wiff any1 who wants to take da time to do so. me got more depwessed an den Holiday 08 came......... A dispute wiff me only support ober a ring me wanted to borrow ended up in an cearly audible expwession ob me twue fellings towards me RL pawents. Me RL mom heard an pwomptly came in a yelled at me wike neber before, desperate for a way out, me told her eberyfing bout me gender issues, her seemed to be ok wiff it at first. but as time passed, me decided telling her was a mistake. eben if it did get me outta a severe punishment dat koodve been, nofing weely changed cept da counselling. during me first visit me eben said em wishes out loud in fwont ob her an her refuses to respect dem. her is 2 faced an a hypocwite. her eben pwomised to stop yellin yet her still does it as much as her has been doin an her sick sense ob self pwide seems to gib her da idea her actually keepin her pwomise well. Yea wight.. me wet an poopy diapered ass her is.... waitin felt wike foreber dis skool year. but somehow me managed t make it all da way to here, an em continues to hold on despite me constant loss ob hope. hopefully me suffering shood start comin to a rapid paced but gwadual end dis summer. me will pissed if me has to wait anofer year an a half. me just has to get outta here. Da sooner da better. Meetin Ashley also sparked me interest in twying cloth diapers.

So dis is me whole life so far, an da rest is still unwritten. Anyway, me has a fillin dis mornin so me needs to get some sleep cuz it a big day an me fairly scared an stwessed out bout it. Bye.

Missy's Journal 19

2009-04-30T02:35:00.002+08:00

Mwahaha... I've finally uploaded my story... You have the prologue and chapter one to read... I might upload them in some other places, but whatever.

Hmm... What's on my mind today? It's my birthday next Monday, I don't have TAFE then so I don't know how I'll waste it. I'd like to be around some people atleast. It's funny... It's crept up on me. Suddenly I'm like "Oh my Goddess, It's soo... close". I suppose it's 'cause it's not all that important. But whatever.

T_T I had a re sit for my cataloguing test which was long and went untill late and I was so tired that the last few records are crap. I'm not even sure of some of my first records, It's depressing. But then again. It's 2:43am at my family's place, and I still haven't slept. I mean, and the sleep I did have the day before was like 4hrs. I think I'll skip first class tomorrow...sleep a bit and such...

I haven't had an appetite today either, it's like anything I eat or drink I feel like I'm forcing down. I don't know if it's stress or what. I do think I like myself just a bit more recently, I feel more self-confident or something somehow.

Well... it's late... I can't think of what I wanna say so I'll just post this... Bai bai~ And please read my story~ Hug-hug~

Knowledge is Forbidden Fruit - 01

2009-04-30T02:28:00.003+08:00

~Chapter One~

"Mysi, I need you to get us a book on soul capturing."

The girl with violet eyes looked up from her book and stood up. She was wearing a lilac kirtle and her long, black curls were tied back with a purple ribbon.

"Using enchanted crystals or just common method?" She asked the dark-skinned scholar that had called her.

"The common method will work just fine." He replied as another scholar pushed a pile of paper to him. "Oh... And deliver these reports to Seven while you're there."

Mysi nodded and took the papers. She walked out the door and into the late afternoon light. She started humming merrily as she looked up at the massive tree-shaped structure which was made up of a patchwork of technologies and styles. It wasn't alone in it's peculiarity, the whole city used whatever mixture of inspiration it's residents thought was best.

"Okay, soul capturing would be under... 3F0D6.C5, so that would be on the... thirtieth floor, in north-north-west branch." She murmured aloud, before proceeding to the side entrance. Entering, she waved to some friends amongst the library staff as she walked towards the organic looking chutes in the centre of the library. She pressed the soft fleshy bit near the sphincter muscle-like door and waited for it to open. The inside of this biological contraption was made of calloused skin. It had a flat, leveled floor and rim of the ceiling glowed slightly. The ceiling also consisted of a human size hole. On the walls were soft, fleshy gashes, and tattoos near them marked of floor numbers. Some library patrons came out of the elevator and after they did, Mysi went in and pressed the area to get to the thirtieth floor. The inner and outer door closed. Mysi watched through the ceiling as the creature ascended.

She had to wait on the way for a few people to get on and off, but it didn't take much of her time. Without any confusion, she left the lift and went straight in the direction she had planned, ignoring the exhibited artifacts and models, which she had already looked at before. As she walked up the gently ramping corridor, she passed shelf after shelf of books. Every so often the rooms style changed drastically, but there was still shelves and shelves of books, interupted only by the occasional study carrell. The only other common element was the calculated designs marked almost everywhere. Finally Mysi began to slow, as she came to the section she was looking for. She picked up a book and flicked through it. Dissatisfied she put it back and took out the book next to it. She looked thoughtfully at the pages and then smiled. She tucked the book under her arm with the reports and walked back to the elevator. This time taking it to the basement.

The basement ran through out the city. From here she could even walk home. The basement was actually a natural underground cave which had been refined for the library and eventually the city's use. Mysi walked into a round, stone booth that had a blood-splattered altar. She held her hand over it and secreted a dark orchid, viscous substance from her palm which dripped onto the altar. The marking carved into it flashed and then a dark cloud enveloped her for a second. When the cloud disappeared, she was in another room.

"Oh, Hey Mysi." Greeted a female guard that was waiting near the exit booth. "What brings you to the central office? Delivering something to the Grandserpent?"

"Uh huh. Is he in or is he helping with research somewhere again?" Mysi asked her.

"You're lucky." She answered. "He just got back. He's in his study."

Mysi walked past the people working through papers at their desks and past the people with strange helmets sitting at organic terminals until she got to the centre of the room which was enclosed by a weird mix of hardened rock, bones, and fungal growths which glowed. The wall was shaped like a giant snake, the open mouth forming a door. She entered, ramping around until it opened into the wide room.

"Mysika!" The city's leader greeted with a smirk. His deep black eyes reading into her face and body language. "Is that the field scholars' research reports you've brought me? I'll be interested to take a look through them."

"Hello Zeva." Mysi greeted enthusiastically. She walked over to him and handed over the reports.

"Have you finished the book I suggested you read the other day?" He asked her.

"Almost. It's quite scary. He really goes into detail of how he slaughters and eats his victims. And he tortures them so much before he kills them" She replied.

"The diary of Britassian's biggest serial killer is a great window into the mind of a blood-thirsty psychopath though. And all the horrific accounts provide great inspiration for torturous illusions you could manifest on your enemies in the future." Zevaryn preached to her. "I mean you're only half Meisai, so your illusion-casting ability works better concentrated on someone rather than spread out and used passively.You have to use it agressively to get the best use out of it."

"I know. I never said it wasn't interesting and useful." She replied. "I like reading all the material you recommend to me. Father used to do the same thing, but those things captured him. Now I have more reason to develop my skills."

"Enthusiasm for finding and eliminating the Celesai is all well and good." He told her. "But they're powerful ancient beings. While it's likely that what we released were all of them, they've already had a few years to plot and increase their strength and numbers. By all means, search for traces of them with us and be ready to fight them if the situation calls for it. But carelessly chasing them will lead only to your defeat."

"I know you're right Zeva. I just miss him." She muttered, her head hanging sadly.

"I'd imagine the field scholars want that book under your arm." Zevaryn commented, changing the subject into productivity. "You should get back to them with it. I'll get someone to deliver some good texts to your house."

Mysika left and made her way back to the ground floor. She got the book issued out to the field scholar's office at the circulation desk and headed back to the field scholars.
Mysi handed over the book she collected and resumed reading her book. She took little interest in watching them chalk up calculated markings around the artefact, but did look up at times. The dark skinned scholar who was leading the experiment on the artefact took out his ritual knife and cut his hand so he could activate the spell circles with blood. More time passed and Mysi had finished her book. She took a peek at the results they were getting. The younger assistant asked her for help with a task that he was having trouble with and she obliged. Eventually the scholars had finished. Some said their goodbyes and went home while those more involved in the artefact's research retreated to the study rooms to write up their report. Before they left, they asked the assistants to clean up after the experiment. Mysi pumped water into a bucket while the boy fetched the scrubbing brushes and soap. A crow flew into the window and landed on her shoulder.

"Maki!" She exclaimed at it. She heard other crows outside coming closer. She started petting the bird. "Did Kali leave something in her office?"

The scavenger cawed in reply. A young woman walked in the front door. She had sleek black hair and dazzling blue eyes. Her black, feathery clothes showed a lot of skin, but were still long and flowing. She held a foreign lightweight spear with bright purple tassels hanging around the tip. Many crows hung around her and some were even perched on her.

"Good evening Kali." Mysi greeted, and the boy waved his hello too. "We're were about to clean up the markings of Mukanda’s experiment. Did you leave something behind this morning?"

"Actually, I came to chat to you." She said with a smirk. She took a brush off the other assistant and started to help out. "It's your twelfth birthday soon, right?"

"It's a couple of days away actually." She replied, accepting the help and quickly beginning to clean up with her. "I still haven't found someone who'll take me on as an apprentice though. I don't want to have to ask a research scholar, I want to go out there and discover things."

Kali laughed, and the crows on her cawed in synchronisation.

"Yeah, it would suck to spend all day underground processing lab results, good thing you won't have to" She said in reply and smiled mischievously at Mysi. "I want to have you as an apprentice."

"Really?!" Mysi answered excitedly. "You told me a while ago that you were too 'young and wild' to take on an apprentice."

"Yeah, well you're what I'm looking for in a student, and Maki likes you." Kali explained to her, then she caught the gaze of the other assistant. "Oh, sorry Todd. You don't need to hear me chatting away to Mysi. Don't worry about the cleaning, just take the books back to the library and then you can go home or whatever."

"Oh, take my book back too please." Mysi added.

They finished cleaning the floor while chatting about the new apprenticeship and how Kali liked to do things. They packed away and took their conversation to the streets. Kali asked if she could stay the night at Mysi's place.

"Well, I'd have to ask Amethyst but I can't see why she'd have any problem with it." She replied.

They approached a house built into a mound, in which a tree sprouted out of the top. Mysi took opened the door and Kali followed her, leaving the crows to roost around the house.

"Ame~. Are you home." Mysi called down the hallway. She received no answer.

"I guess she's still out on some mission." Mysi murmered, picking up the books by the door and heading up the stairs.

"She's nice to have on a mission. Cares for the people she works with and seems to nurture the rookie mercenaries who come with us." Kali said aloud. "Although, I wouldn't want to be her enemy, evocationists are always scary to go up against, but she uses that freezing acid slime so furiously and precise."

"I have that in my blood too." Mysi protested, coating her hand in the dark purple substance and then letting it disappear into mist.

"Yeah, but you don't use an amplification gem, and well, Ame is one." Kali said in reply. She caught the down look on Mysi's face. "She's still a lot like your mother you know. I never really knew her personally, but I did go on a few missions with her as an apprentice. Amethyst's trying to establish herself differently, but she came from the same memories."

They got to Mysi's room and she placed the books on her desk. Her furnishings were quite upper class, but of mixed cultures and tended to favour the colour violet quite a bit. She sat down on her bed. Kali sat down next to her. Maki and some other crows were staring in through the window.

"Just so you know, I'm planning to train you to be a raven shaman too." Kali said casually with a smirk. "So I'm gonna work you twice as hard." She gave a somewhat sadistic laugh.

"Huh...? Okay then. Whatever you can teach me." Mysi replied. "But are you sure you won't me to take on that role?"

"Sure. You have a good affinity for it and it is easier if I only have one apprentice." Kali answered and stood up. "Got anything to eat around here?"

"Not of the proper meal kind." Mysi replied. "We'd have to go to the nightmarket for meat and vegetables and such."

"I think I'll pass, people always complain when I enter the markets. "Kali sighed. "They complain that the crows steal their merchidise. I can't even go to the necromancer's market either because the crows attack their merchandise too."

Mysi started laughing at the image of crows pecking away at zombies. "I'll just get biscuits from the cupboard then."

Later on Amethyst got back with food she bought from the market on the way home. Mysi prepared some dinner while Kali chatted away to Amethyst. They ate together and then made their way to bed after a bit more chatting. Kali left early the next morning and Mysi joined her a bit later. At a more casual time, Amethyst went to see what mercenary jobs were on offer. Later in the day Kali was called to see the field scholar's manager.

"I hear you reserved Kainys' daughter as your apprentice." Said the young man with serious green eyes, who was going over maps and reports on his desk. He had short blond hair, large spectacles and a top hat. "Here are the forms you'll need to document that, although I called you here to inform you of your next mission. The son of the leader of the rangers recently uncovered some ruins quite close to home. I'm assigning you and your new apprentice to check them out just after this midnight."

"Wow, you're deploying her as soon as you can aren't you" Kali commented while taking the papers he handed her. "Do we get anyone to go with us?"

"Well the ranger's leader's son will guide you there, and I'll let you recruit one mercenary and a rookie they're training. Tell Mysi about this assignment and tell her she has the afternoon off to sleep and prepare. The same goes for you." He answered and let Kali leave the room. Kali told Mysi and the scholars ran off to prepare.

Knowledge is Forbidden Fruit - Prologue

2009-04-30T02:15:00.006+08:00

~Prologue~

"Are you kidding me?!"

The scholar didn't answer and instead stared at him expectantly through his tiny pair of spectacles, his violet eyes were chillingly entrancing. He had long, black hair tied back loosely and his complexion was quite pale. His apprentice also had long, black hair, but it was untied, and his complexion wasn't quite as pale. His piercing black eyes and judging smirk made him just as unnerving to look at though. The transport biomancer stared at his map to avoid both their gazes.

"I was only hired to take you to the Abysei ruins and to bring you back with that artefact you got. Now you want to go to a ruin you only assume is there, that just so happens to be near a Brittassian outpost?! Aren't the mercenaries already tired after the attack at the ruins?" He argued at them.

"The fluctuations Zevaryn spotted in his scry are far too suspicious not to be worth investigating. There must be something of interest there." The pale scholar answered calmly. He smiled and looked the biomancer in the eyes. "We're only going to take a reconnaissance approach for now and then we'll return to Sentients’ Tree. If we've discovered something, the finder's fee will more than reimburse you for the detour."

"Don't worry about us either." A female mercenary with a greatsword called out. "Kainys is a good leader, and he can cloak us. You just concentrate on getting your big-ass beetle there."

The biomancer sighed and turned to his creation and pet. He climbed up and sat in the compartment hollowed into the giant black beetle's head. A wave of his hand in front of a certain area in the compartment opened up the beetle's wing protectors, revealing the large hollow part for passengers and cargo. The group piled into their transport, and the driver closed the wing protectors. Then with another movement, the beetle started to walk.

"Our destination definitely shares the same culture as the mysterious artefact we found, or it's at least related." Zevaryn shared with his teacher. "We almost always come by here on the way to the main Abysei ruins, and there hasn’t been a fluctuation here before."

"It's great to see how observant and calculating you are, Zeva." Kainys praised. "A lot of certified field scholars are nowhere near as perceptive as you. People are right in calling you a prodigy."

"Praise is unnecessary and almost patronising." He replied. "It actually would be patronising from anyone else. I'm simply not as foolish and careless as other scholars are."

"That's true." Kainys said softly and almost to himself. "Well... Whatever we find, will definitely help research on this artefact. We don't even know what ancient culture this came from."

Kainys was about to go on, but something had caught his attention.

"There's Brittassians in the distance. I should start cloaking us." He informed, as his irises spread out in a spiral, beginning to resemble a swirling portal. He looked ahead as if in a trance and touched the nearby Brittassians' minds, ready to remove any signal from their senses that would make the soldiers realise a giant deformed beetle was passing by them. They passed undetected by two patrols before they came close to the centre of the fluctuation. The area looked normal enough, but there was a suspiciously symmetrical tree that assured the scholars that something was there. Unfortunately there was a Brittassian patrol, walking straight past it.

"Just wait until they go past." Kainys told the driver through a metal pipe installed into the beetle, for communicating through. "But open the doors so we're ready to get out."

The wing protectors rose, as the patrol came close. The group was waiting patiently when all of a sudden, their artefact’s clear crystal part lit up with a blazing light and began to hum. Kainys managed to shield it from their senses at the last second, but the patrol still felt weird for a second and now they were suspicious.

"That was some kind of sorcery!" The patrol's commander yelled. "There are witches or demons around here!"

The Brittassian's raised their rifles and waved them around, looking for the group. Their alertness gave them the will to resist Kainys' deception and they could now make out blurred and transparent images of the group.

"Attack them! Kill or capture, we can't let them run for help." Kainys commanded, and dropped his now resisted illusion. From under his cloak he drew a pair of long daggers and hacked off the nearest soldier's rifle arm. He pulled the soldier close and sunk his sharp canines into his neck drawing energy from his victim's blood. Zevaryn whipped out a pistol and shot point-blank at a soldier's head with a ghostly bullet. The targeted soldier fell to his knees, unharmed, but in total agonising despair. Zevaryn then snatched the soldier's rifle, unloaded it into an approaching soldier and then threw it at another starting to aim at him. In seconds he closed on the soldier he'd distracted and slashed his neck with his rapier. The beetle charged at some, those not trampled were slowly eaten by the hungry transport. The female mercenary swung her greatsword at the ones aiming at her. With her swing came a powerful surge of air that vacuum cut cleanly through all of them. The big mercenary with untamed red hair and matching beard began bellowing a loud war cry. The cry induced panic into all of the attackers. With a powerful heave with his axe, he cleaved through a soldier's skull. The slim and nimble mercenary clutched a large piece of emerald and filled it with a dark green energy that matched the colour of his eyes. It shot out like lightning at attacking soldiers and fried them where they stood, in the cases where targeted soldiers were too close together the current carried from one and into another. The patrol was quickly defeated.

"Okay. Drop the artefact by the tree" Kainys directed after flicking, wiping, and sheathing his daggers. "Then we need to load the captives in the boot of the transport."

"We should probably also load a few unbutchered corpses" Zevaryn suggested, as he searched the bodies for things of value. "Necromancers are paying some good money for them these days."

"Right, that's a good idea" Kainys replied. "Put the rest in a pile, ready to burn."

Once the artefact was closer, it shot a beam of light at the tree and went lifeless again. After a momentary delay, a gap formed in the tree and stairs of clear crystal could be seen leading down. A light turned on below.

"Wow, this place looks to be intact, or at least half functioning." Kainys said aloud. "There might be people down there."

He looked around at his group, thinking about the best course of action.

"I think we'll take Hathor with us, and have the rest guard the entrance." He told his apprentice. "We're only scouting the place out, so I'll hide us from anyone who might be down there"

"And we definitely haven't alerted anyone down there of our presence already" He replied in humourless sarcasm.

"We scout the place and then judge whether we need to engage anything down there. The point is that we're sweeping over it first."

Kainys called over the big mercenary and directed the other mercenaries to stand guard. The biomancer moved his beetle closer and relaxed in the driver's compartment, ready to leave in a hurry. The scholars made their way down the stairs with Hathor and surveyed the dome-shaped room. It was made up mostly of clean-cut crystal shining with light and framed by the tree's white roots in an unnaturally organised way. The roots were connected to a bulb-like growth in the centre of the room that extended from the floor and into the ceiling. The growth had shining crystal installed in it and it seemed like it had working organs inside it too. Around the room there were a total of four terminals made in a similar way, and each had an open pod nearby that could fit someone in it. The only other thing of note was a circular door on the other side of the room.

"You can't sense anyone?" Zevaryn asked Kainys with some bemusement, as he noticed the lack of portal shapes in his superior's eyes. "It must be amazingly self sufficient if it functions this much without someone up-keeping it."

"Hmm... We could probably play with it too." Kainys replied, inspecting a terminal. "Although it looks like a lot of it requires neuromancy to do anything."

"These pods look life supporting." Zevaryn relayed, as he too began to inspect things. "Like a womb for adults. My guess is that the residents used them as beds."

"Oh. Very interesting. We can show it to the biomancy researchers back home who are looking into that kind of thing." Kainys answered back, moving to inspect the item in the centre. "They'll have something to reverse engineer now."

"You just want them to stop examining your daughter all the time." Zevaryn teased. "But I agree that studying her acquired ability isn't going to help with that particular project."

"Without accessing the terminals I don't think we could find much about this central artefact" Kainys went on, ignoring Zevaryn's comment. "But we can assume it’s the heart of this place. Powering it and connecting the terminals together. It might help us upgrade our systems at home, assuming it's worth it."

Zevaryn had walked to the door and looked back at Kainys. Kainys made sure Hathor was following and went over to the door too. Hathor pushed the crystal double doors open for them and moved out the way for the scholars to inspect the room, even though his eyes were exploring the room too. Around the room were a great deal of life supporting pods that seemed to be a lot more heavy duty that the ones in the previous room. There was thick crystal shielding on almost all of them, but they looked occupied. The middle of the room had an altar marked with a complex design, but at the far end of the room there was a larger, more elaborate life support pod, which was much more translucent than the other pods in the room. It was so translucent that you could make out the shape of the sentient inside. Blonde hair hung over an almost faceless head. There was simply a nose and a wide mouth that smiled. White wings wrapped around the floating female body, and the arms clutched what looked like a crown.

"Shit! What is that?" Hathor cursed, his eyes fixated on the ancient being.

"We should leave now!" Kainys said with deadly seriousness. "We don't want to wake these sentients up. They don't sense us yet so we should get out now."

Hathor looked mellowed and he took a step forward towards the altar.

“Hathor! Didn’t you hear me? We’re...” Kainys started to yell, but stopped when the realisation hit him. His irises broke into spirals “She’s controlling him! Don’t let her grip your mind Zeva!”

Hathor screamed his war cry and charged at the altar. He cut his palm with the blade of his own axe and threw it to the side while he was still running. Kainys, who had deceived Hathor into thinking he was still chasing him, crouched in front of the mercenary and tripped him up. Kainys jumped on top of him and pulled back the arm with the bleeding hand until it dislocated. That didn't stop him from struggling closer to the altar though. Zevaryn caught up to them and locked Hathor's legs together, trying to pull him away at the same time. The neuromancer reached out for the scholars' minds. A powerful blast at both of their minds impaired them enough to loosen their hold on the mercenary. Hathor threw himself to his feet and swung his dangling arm onto the altar. The blood spilt over the circle design and the room flared brighter. Kainys whipped out a dagger and whacked him in the back of the head with its hilt, knocking Hathor out.

"Get him out of this room! And don't come back in it!" Kainys yelled to Zevaryn as his irises began to spin at violent speeds. Pods were opening and the winged beings inside were beginning to emerge. All of a sudden they broke out into harmonious, but wordless song. Circles of light formed above their heads. The other mercenaries ran down the stairs to see what was going on and saw Kainys struggling on his knees, trying not to be dominated but also struggling to keep them from targeting his allies. Then all of a sudden he started laughing. He had a devious smile on his face. He looked up at Zevaryn. His eyes weren't spiralling anymore. Zevaryn smiled, understanding something from the look Kainys gave him. In that moment, the light consumed the room. The song reached a climax and started to sound twisted. A pillar of light rose into the sky above as the room was drained of its illumination. The facility's power failed, and then everything went quiet. Kainys and the woken creatures were gone.

Missy's Journal 18

2009-04-08T03:49:00.002+08:00

I'm a bit overwhelmed by the money I have at the moment. The Australian Government decided to give lots of people $950(AUD) because of the silly global recession. For some reason being in education got me an extra $200ish. Only, they were silly again because they actually gave me a second $950. Now in my last post I said I got my saving/bond/etc from my youth workers. So now I've got $3000ish.

$$$!!!*_*!!!$$$

It's not major money but it is quite exceptional for someone living out of home on student welfare. Now I kind of worry about spending money carelessly. I want to make sure I use it long term way. I'm still going to get the internet like I planned, that's a fair enough expenditure. But I really want to put it towards permanent hair removal.

I'm just lost about that. I just don't have a good idea of prices and such. I mean I've tried searching online but what prices you do find are so vaguely estimated and irrelevant. A trans friend was going to get a consultation somewhere for IPL, So I'm going to wait and see what they quote her. If it's fair enough, I'll try there. Elsewise I'll probably have to look into generic Laser hair reduction, and then it'll be a matter of finding a place to get it done.

I bothered to get a PayPal account the other day, I still need to validate my account which is annoying 'cause I have to see my bank statement. I've tried to get a NetBank account so I can bank online but for some stupid reason he online form isn't working for me. It's annoying. But yeah. I'll be able to buy stuff off the internet if I want.

Found some GBA/SNES games I haven't milked to play around with. A lot of them I've had before but rejected them before I had a chance to go anywhere with them, But there are a few I haven't tried. Pity some of the files aren't working. But Shin Megami Tensei II is quite interesting. I mean it has that annoying, claustrophobic, first-person maze style of movement, but it has an interesting story and the graphics are either detailed, or simplified in a tactful way. So it doesn't feel like a grind to explore the place. I even started to realise that a GBA game I downloaded was a childish spin-off of Shin Megami Tensei. (DemiKids). I'd play the original, but it doesn't work properly. Y_Y Really should learn Japanese so I can play all the things that didn't get translated properly. Maybe I should force myself to start reading stuff in japanese, that would probably be the best way for me to learn. That reminds me, I still need to return that overdue book.

Oh... It's kind of holidays for me at the moment. I really should get all my overdue assignments done in this time. Pity I'm such a fantasy-head. I've spend too much time watching anime or playing games. I should waste some of that time on writing my story.

Well Bai-bai... Wrote a large enough journal entry. Y_Y not that anyone follows out blog T_T...

Lily's Journal 05

2009-03-31T12:02:00.004+08:00

Me pwetty much feel wike me has been living in a neo nazi death camp in me house. Ebery pwisoner was killed dere cept me. dey spared me to torment me in life an made it concentration labor camp. Me RL dad pwetty much a kapo since he pwetty much just following me RL mom's orders an pwetty much doesnt hab much choice in da matter. Me RL gwanmas a camp guard, while nice most ob da time, her wants to keep me in line at da camp. me RL gwanpa is an oberkapo an pwetty much 3rd in command followed by da Ukranian guard. an me RL mom is SS officer, da commandant ob da camp. but me has hope an me still waiting. Tawa will come to liberate me soon.

Lily's Journal 04- 3:30-4:23PM Sunday, March, 29, 2009, A Date I Must Never Forget

2009-03-30T07:40:00.004+08:00

Today is a day to remember. I went to my bathroom for my usual shave. After I was almost done, I started thinking. The best time to act, to do something, is now. Well, that's just what I did. I took an extra hour in there undoing the damage nature had done to me, hair by hair. I started to remove every hair on my chest with a new found stronger will I had never felt before. I felt so alive brutally murdering my cold hard shell and letting the real me come out and be born. I then moved on to undo the damage on my back and then moved on to my arms and underarms. I set the grand finale for my legs and feet. I then cleaned up my mess and came out a happier woman. Why didn't I do this before? The parts I didn't get are reserved for a separate razor.

Missy's Journal 17

2009-03-23T14:58:00.002+09:00

T_T... I was late coming to TAFE today so I didn't get to do my training session. I mean I spent the morning doing a lot of it, and then I was too late. I mean I wasn't totally ready anyway. I mean family's computer decided to be low on downloads and black ink. So I couldn't print my handouts, and I couldn't get some clips to show. Plus it could do with a bit more in some places.

I'm feeling crappy at the moment. Not depressed crappy. More like sick with anxiety. I mean I know I can do it later to the lecturer, but part of the assignment was evaluating others. Who's am I supposed to evaluate now. I hope someone else didn't show up or didn't do there presentation today. That way I'm not alone. It's not too likely though. Plus there isn't joy and such in presenting if you don't have something of a group.

I don't know what to do now. I guess there is other assignments I have to do. But I don't know if I can do them. Certainly not in the state I am in now. I mean I can see myself struggling through them, in near enough time. Countless late, but still complete. It's just that at times like this I feel hopeless about it.

It's funny. I can feel so hopeful and motivated when I'm about to sleep. But then it's never there when I need it. Or atleast, reality crushes me with hurtful feelings, and I'm weak and fall apart easily.

I don't know what to do now... I'm not motivated to really do much online at the moment. I mean forum and social networking things I go to haven't got any messages, and no one is online to chat too. I hurt too much to do assignments, and they don't really need the internet. I guess I should find a post office and pay my electricity bill (It does say Miss. Wait... that's Miss, not Ms... Did they assume I'm underage? Hehe...). I also need to sort out the bond and savings and such my youth workers were giving me. I mean I was suppose to get it, but it hasn't reached me. And I want to uise some of it to get internet at home. It'll only cost $50 a week (AUD). I'm going to get naked DSL, 2GB download limit that dribbles out after you overused them (instead of charging you extra). I mean... I really could do with it at home, it's half the reason I've fallen behind, and I could atleast chat online then instead of being totally lonely.

I want to finish my story chapter... Maybe I'll do some tonight.
Bai bai~

Missy's Journal 16

2009-03-21T02:44:00.005+09:00

Being alone really sucks. At home I tend to cry and stress out from the loneliness added to the other problems I have in my life. I'm not the type of person people visit and it's not like I have too many people I can visit. I guess I end up going to family's place a lot. When I get the internet at home, at least I won't feel lonely, although at that point I'd feel like getting out more. But where would I be able to go? I noticed today how similar my life is to playing the Sims.

I'm so not able to afford IPL, I guess I think I'll have to get laser instead. Of course when I do that I have no idea. It's like how I should get a job, it's my plan, but I'm already struggling and and am always too screwed up to do anything pro active. It's depressing that my moments of determination always occur when there isn't much I can do. I just want some reasonable passibility, I know I'm a freak to society but atleast can I at least not fail at passing?

Atleast my voice passes. Seriously though, it can be annoying when businesses ring up looking for me using my stupid unfixed name and try to get me to put myself on. I think the electricity company put me down as female though, I called up to start an account with them and even though i'd already given my stupid birth name (hehe... It's a common name and they made me spell it.), They asked "It's miss, isn't it?" And I hestitated and I suppose he just took it as yes.

Gah! I'm fatigued... and I got up at lunch today, I was too pathetic to get up for TAFE today, didn't think there was anything important today, I have to retake a damn test though. Probably stayed up a bit too late the night before. It's late here, and I just got on the computer.
I wrote a bit into chapter one of my story though. Anyway, I should try and do a bit of my assignment while I'm on here.

Missy's Journal 15

2009-03-19T11:45:00.002+09:00

Heeyo again... I decide to post another journal... the otherone was short anyway...
I didn't say last time that I've watched Watchmen.
It's good, translates into a movie well. I like Rorscharch, he's cool. He's so violent and ruthless. I love when he's in prison.

Umm... What else? I do always think of bitching about this one ad I hate. Sometimes I watch morning cartoons while I'm getting ready, but there is this stupid ad for Hog's Breath Cafe... It's funny, I've watch morning newsy things sometimes, and that has a proper ad. for the same place advertising it's food. But the children watching cartoons are supposed to watch replicated slutty-style cheer leaders dance around a mascot while it plays an annoying song. It's pathetic, because it's only targeted at kids. And yet the cheerleaders have split miniskirts and fishnet stockings and are doing showy moves... Y_Y

For those who don't know, I joined DLTown.com... It's a great ABDL social networking site. The admin is cool and it's all anti-creepy perverts and liars.
But yeah... that's the place to catch up with me...

Missy's Journal 14

2009-03-18T14:50:00.002+09:00

Wow! Lily posted twice since my last entry...
But anyway... I decided to waste some time writing a journal entry because working on my assignment is fucking me up. I have to deliver a training session. I get to choose the topic and i chose anime/manga... I have to deliver it next Monday, but I have to write up a plan and deliver it last week. I HATE writing plans and such T_T

I've been here every day this week, trying to work on it... sometimes I'm going somewhere. But sometimes I'm crying and hurting from frustration. I've had plenty of drama to worry about, but I've managed to deal with those. It's just this assignment. Well these assignments plural. I'm just working on this one now, I have plenty more I have to work on. It's mean...

And so haven't had time to work on story... The prologue is a couple of sentences from being complete, but i still wanna write the first chapter before i show it off.

Lily's Journal 03: A story of envy, misery, and nostalgia

2009-03-14T10:13:00.003+09:00

So me has decided to go thru wiff me decision an wear diapers 24/7 either dis summer or next winter an become totally incontinent bof bladder an bowel. me is going all da way baby!! So recently me is suspicious ob spunky an her is twying to stop da fighting but me fink her making up stories to make her life seem worse dan it weely is for attention an me dont completely believe here attempted suicide story. since her wasnt allowed outta bed her told me her got wear a comfy bloo diaper, dats where da envy comes in. It made me jealous dat her got to wear comfy bloo diapers an be changed by a nice nurse (guess me has a lil nurse fetish). Da misery comes in when spends me times wanting an needing it cuz me wants to be me to be happy an feeling sowwy for meself for not being able to reach out an get what me needs. just seeing her, talking to her made me sad, just seeing her online set me off on misery road. eben finking bout her made envy an misery explode. So wallowing in me own self pity isnt gonna make anyfing better but what left is dere to do?, no dwivers liscense, no car, no nearby bus stops, no bike, nearest stores on highways, none within walking distance, me is completely house locked. An den finally da nostalgia..... Just da fot ob habing to be not allowed out ob me cwib for a few days an taken care ob by a nice nurse mommy an being put in comfy bloo diapers an watched ober by her an fed by her an eberyfing a wittle infant wike me needs cept me has a nurse mommy. dat sounds wike just da nostalgia da doctor ordered for me to be happy, me shood hab it, but dont. Me may be young an impatient but me patience kin only go so far. why wait for miracles to hit u when u can take action an make em happen urself ebe quicker? *sigh* an MtF lesbo twans AB/DL's life is neber easy..........

Lily's Journal 02

2009-03-07T13:48:00.003+09:00

Things are really getting out of hand at this point and my patience is running thing. I feel already dead on the inside and every waking moment for me is just another spec of decay on my rotting internal corpse. I wake up every day with a fake smile on the outside hiding a morbid frown beneath. Telling my 2 faced mom didn't change a freaking thing except for counselling, which is a start, but she still treats me the same as before I told her. My dad never really brings it up, he feels my mom should be in charge of this issue. From still referring to me as a cursed boy despite my wishes to be treated like who I really am to her constantly yelling at me and venting me out despite her promise to stop. She acts so open minded when I see she is really the most 2 faced, 1 sided person I ever knew.
Society would cast me out, and I would risk many dangerous consequences and even my mom suggests to wait until college. I'm starting to reject this advice as it goes against every goal i have set and everything I stand for. Here's what I think. Screw pleasing society!!! I feel I am done hiding and listening to other's advice to hide. I will not allow myself to be dragged down from ultimate goal by those who advise me to wait and please society a little longer. No!!! I will not wait!!! This is what I want!! No!!! More than what I want! It is what I need!! This is what I need and for the good of my own emotional health I need it NOW!!! But society and those who advise me to wait drag me down from my goal leaving me heaps more depressed than the last day with each passing day. This melancholy tempest does not seem to have an end. I still cry on the inside as I subtly express my open disdain for the girls who show off their cute clothes as if it were some kind of "anything goes" fashion show. I live day by day in a wide awake nightmare. I would risk anything to be happy and get out my wretched slump, even my life. I'm starting not to care what society would do or think about doing to me if I just came out now. And my mom is always being a doomsday messenger and giving me bad news of bad events happening or threatening me with consequences I fell are unfair, Totalitarian, and wrong. I only talk back or argue or try to resist because she treats me like an Auschwitz prisoner. I feel sorry for my dad because it seems my mom is very controlling of him and likes to use him on me when I don't listen. He's the lesser of the 2 evils but when my mom wants him to, he shows no mercy and acts like a man turned machine programmed only to do what it's master wants it to do. She treats him like he's some secret weapon, some atom bomb she can pull on the Nagasaki or Hiroshima refusing to surrender (me). I feel sorry that he loves her so much to act like a mechanical slave who's only thoughts and computing is done by wires and circuitry. Sort of like abandoning his human qualities to serve his master. I just don't see it as right in my eyes. My distrust for her knows no bounds, no limits. I know what my goal is and I refuse to let anyone get in my way. If I have to go through my own family, my friends, anyone regardless of who they are, then so be it, thy will be done.
So I question why I let myself be held back and why I follow the useless advice to wait until college or until this summer when I move in with my friend or next winter if this summer is impossible. When I can take control and say to the world "I'm a girl, always have been, always will be, this is me, if you don't like it then (this is self explanatory, I don't think I need to say it as I'm sure most people would know what sentence I would put here.)" I don't want to be in a box anymore, all I want is the freedom to be me and be happy as can be and I honestly don't care what others think or do to try and stop me. While this is the case, my brain simply lacks the motivation to actually apply these practices and beliefs.

My heart knows darn well what I want, when I want it, and the fact that is it is by no means negotiable. My only major obstacle right now is that my brain is too afraid of the risks of following what my heart wants.

Missy's Journal 13

2009-03-02T11:16:00.003+09:00

Gah!!! I haven't posted anything in a while. I'm sorry to anyone who'd read this thing. I've been stressing a lot recently with lots of random drama inventing itself. Well much to say I've been busy sorting out things with hopeless bureaucratic organisations.

I ended up turning my gas on myself. They started billing me but hadn't turned it on so I just got to impatient to bother anyone about it. I have no money because Centrelink was a bitch and once again paid rent for my old place. I asked my youth workers about it but bureaucratic stuff is always a pain in the ass and I still haven't gotten it, maybe tomorrow Y_Y. I just found out the other day that Centrelink didn't record down ages ago that I was studying full-time. I mean I had to go there last week because they never realised my youth allowance was for being a student. I'll be so glad to be off welfare in the future, but how damn long 'til that'll happen.

I guess I said I'd talk about endocrinologist appointments, but honestly nothing really happened worth saying. I mean they upped my hormone dose, but that's not interesting to talk about. I don't mind seeing an endocrinologist, but it does seem kind of pointless. I mean paying for someone to read your blood test results and look at you naked is kind of silly. Still, it makes sense to have an expert prescribe your drug dose. The upped dose feels like it's taking effect though.

I can never think what to write when I get here. Sometimes I think about what I feel like talking about, but it's never on my mind when I get here. I know I'm kind of lonely at home though. I like the living alone, but I want more company. I go to family a lot these days, because I want to be around people, or at least chat to friends online. I wish I had the internet at home.

I can't seem to be inspired to take this journal anywhere. Please tell me if you have anything you want me to write about, random thoughts never guage enough interest. I start the prologue for the story though, so as soon as I finish that and write a chapter, I'll submit it here.
Bai-bai~

Missy's Journal 12

2009-02-13T12:57:00.002+09:00

Hehe... It's Black Friday the day before Valentines Day...
But whatever. I don't think I'll end up doing anything tomorrow. My boyfriend is on the other side of the country. Maybe I'll be able to chat to him. Or atleast email him or something. Y_Y I'm a hopeless girlfriend. (But hey... I get to have some meaning in Valentines Day for once)
Hehe... I remember I used to be silly and call tomorrow 'Increased Suicide Rate Day'. After all, behind the commercialism and sickly coupleness, you have the lonely people who feel more worthless that no one expressed love to them.

Humm... I've been busy and stuff this week Y_Y. In fact I still have to go to the doctor's for a prescription soon. When I went for my blood test the other day, luckily enough I didn't faint (Although I did think it would be convenient if I did, because I could ask the doctor for a prescription while they're keeping me until my blood pressure is normal.) Last time I had a blood test was crazy. I fainted just as they finished taking blood and woke up convulsing. Then I had to vomit even though it was only bile. But I couldn't stand up with out feeling sick, and for a while I couldn't even sit up. They gave me water and lollies to try to raise my blood pressure but I had to stay in the doctors surgery for a while. I had to pay for a doctors visit because of it too. And that day I had an appointment afterwards that I missed.

I still haven't got my gas turned on at home, so it's hard to cook anything. I have a toaster, toasted sandwich maker, kettle, and piemaker which seems to be all I can use to cook. I've had onion and cheese toasted sandwiches a few nights in a row because I have little food at home that doesn't need cooking. *sigh* I have to wait until next Thursday to be paid, I've kinda run out of money now. I should get some money off youth workers though. They owe me bond, if not the last rent bundle they got out of my last welfare payment (Not sure if rent was in advance or pay after)

I'm close to starting to write stuff for my story idea. So you'll have stuff to read soon (hopefully Y_Y). Can the people who actually read this blog, please comment and maybe tell me what you want me to write about.
Onegai Shimasu...

Missy's Journal 11

2009-02-05T20:42:00.003+09:00

Oh my goddess...
So much overwhelmingness over what's happening. TAFE started up again this week, but at the same time, I've had to worry about the fact that suddenly I'm moving out to an apartment on my own. I was on a waiting list thing to get government rental housing and all of a sudden this week I was offered a place and had limited time to act on it. I've signed the agreements and got the keys now (And paid the advance on rent). So that part is off my worries now. But I have to build up furniture and appliances now.

I never owned much of my own furniture. The youth service provided most of the furniture I had at the old place. Now I'm going in with fuck all (But hey... I own my own computer atleast). Actually I just received some free furniture. Well... I came and asked to borrow one of my family's spare beds, but they gave me some lounge chairs and an old TV in addition. Plus some plates and cooking utensils they don't use. I don't have a fridge or a washing machine and the like, but unfortunately for my pride, they're offering to get me some second hand ones or something.

It's a nice little place though. It's a newly refurbished one bedroom apartment, smaller than where I'm coming from, but I'm renting it all alone. I'm gonna stay at my old place tonight, but I'll move most of my stuff tomorrow afternoon and start staying in it from then, I mean I won't technically be paying rent for the old place anymore so I shouldn't stay there too much longer.

Umm... I guess I'll should go back and pack up a little, then sleep, 'cause I still have TAFE tomorrow. (On the flipside I seem to have a lot of afternoons without class now, which helps with all I have to do). I really need to get a blood test soon. I'll try to get one this weekend possibly. I see my endocrinologist soon. They sound like future entries though. I tend to faint from blood tests, and ranting about endocrinologists is probably better to talk about after my next appointment.
Bai bai and huggles~

Missy's Journal 10

2009-02-01T21:12:00.002+09:00

Heeyo~
This weekend I went to Wai-Con~!!!
Wai-Con is Perth's own anime convention. It may not be all that big, but this year three thousand and something people attended, so it's definitely not neglected. The numbers grow every year anyway... it was more like one thousand 'last year' (There wasn't actually a 2008 wai-con... but that's because it use to run early December, and now it's late January they run it).

But anyway... I had fun. I bought a Tonberry key chain (well it's not actually one for keys, it's the type you hang off a phone or a bag zipper), a set of chibi Final Fantasy figurines that was going cheap near the end, and an issue of Animavericks (Some Australian magazine for Australian fans of all that Japanese stuff). My brother also bought me a couple of manga when he was there. Wai-Con is actually where I got my Totoro plushy from last year.

But whatever. It was fun, quite funny too, stuff like the cosplay competitions and closing ceremony, when practically everyone was in the theatre was especially amusing because of the audience interruptions and heckling. I mean in the closing ceremony they have auctions, and one of the items was a dress (complete with the mannequin bust thingie it was on). But then the audience starts auctioning for the presenter guy to actually wear the dress. Which they actually suceeded in doing, complete with having the other presenter guy dancing with him.

I really ought to force myself to cosplay next time. I never do but always want to. I guess for me I can never think of someone that would suit me. I mean I like cutesy or childish types of people. But I'm tall and those kinds of characters are short. It doesn't help that I'm trans either, but in the case of cosplay, I don't have to pass as a biological girl, I just have to not look crap in whatever. The suggestions that friends have given are Quistis (FF8) or Penelo (FF12)... I have only played most of FF12: Revenant Wings rather than FF12 itself so I don't know about Penelo... but Quistis sounds plausible. I actually want to be the type who makes a decent costume though regardless, the ones that use proper material and stitch on designs and use proper accesories... That's prob why I never cosplay though, because I don't want half-ass costumes.

*sigh* I need to sort out stuff with college... I don't know what's happening and I would assume that it starts up again this week or something T_T. Maybe I need to put a deposit on enrollment... But I'm just lost and such. I really don't want to fall behind and stress over stuff.
Well... Hug-hugs~
I hope I atleast have some people reading this.

Missy's Journal 09

2009-01-17T01:58:00.003+09:00

Oh crap... I haven't posted for a while. I mean I meant to, but I never was inspired to write anything the few times I've had access to the Internet.

I don't quite know what to say. The shoutbox was broken so I got rid of it. I'm still pretty much wasting the holidays. Just watching anime or replaying old games like usual. Well that and random stuff. The other week I saw some conspiracy theory documentary (Esoteric Agenda) and I must say, it interested me. I mean I'm naturally the type of person who questions things and tries to read between the lines, but this documentary gave me things to think about and to look up on.

Why do people fluoridate water?
For dental health?
I can believe that fluoride is good for your teeth, but since when are you supposed to drink mouthwash or eat toothpaste. I went to the dentist the other day and he bitched that i drink too much soda. But he also told me to get fluoridated toothpaste and fluoride rinse. The weekly sodium fluoride rinse I got even says on the label DO NOT SWALLOW...
Want to know what else has sodium fluoride in it, as the main ingredient?
Rat Poison... Hehehe...
That means that they put poison in the drinking water. That's one way to dispose of an industrial by-product :p. It may be a small dose of poison that won't kill you, but it's definitely causes subtle health problems. Skeletal Fluorosis is a bone disease that is caused by fluoride.

Who has heard of Codex Alimentarius?
Well the United Nations authorised the World Health Organisation and the Food and Agriculture Organisation to develop a universal food code. Except big shot pharmacetical companies got involved. The result is that the Codex Alimentarius is promoting restrictions on vitamins and food supplements, treating them the same as drugs. Some nutrients will be made illegal! (And yet fluoride is still allowed :p) At the same time though, some chemicals that the world has agreed is bad, are being allowed into the code. It's also trying to require food animals / crops be treated with certain chemicals (goodbye organic food). It's supposed to be fully operational by the end of the year.

I don't know if I've said this before. But I don't quite believe in global warming. Don't get me wrong, people should definitely put some thought to waste and pollution management. But things like the Inconvenient Truth, are fabrications made to scare people into idolising the environment. What I find suspicious is that experts are prevented from researching against global warming and the lack of evidence shown by experts promoting global warming. It's also suspicious when the UN actually decided some years back that they needed an enviromental crisis rather than war to rally the people.

But I don't know. The way things are going, it'll be only a few years until the United Nations becomes a new world order. Astrology even predicts it Y_Y. Goddess... It makes me want to take my story idea for real. I almost want to start a massive library organisation. An organisation that employs scientists to study everything, even taboo things. One that collects artifacts and tokens of culture, even if they're dark or perverse. One that has it's own intelligence organisation, investigates what's happening in the world. Essentially, I want there to be a source of free, uncensored information that favours no one, and I want that place to be a refuge for those who seek freedom and their own sense of truth. It sounds crazy but if the world is gonna become all new world order-ful then I want build a way out.

I mean a perfect library is the real tool of freedom. If you're just going to rally people to a cause and tell people what you think is truth, then you really aren't any better than this world order. I just wish people questioned things and tried to find truth for themselves instead of just listening to what the big corporations and governments want the to think.

Well... that's it for now anyways... Hugs for all~

Amy's Journal - 01

2008-12-30T13:23:00.002+09:00

Hey!
Yeah I know, I haven't really been around and I haven't even done anything since I posted my introduction. Thats partially because I've been busy and doing other stuff and partially because I truthfully had no idea what to say. Anyway...

I christmas is over (somewhat thankful for that), hopefully things will settle down here and be a lot quieter, it has been somewhat of a rush around here lately, family all doing stuff, complicated plans, no one really sure what is going on... Well, atleast I didnt know what was going on. I'm heading down camping tomorrow, meeting up with my family down there for new years eve, followed by a large lunch new years day. After that I'll be heading to a friend's shack. Not very exciting but atleast explains that I won't be at a computer for atleast a week.

I may be no closer to becoming a complete female, however lately I have been able to have lots of fun with a friend, being dressed up in heaps of different outfits and having funny and slightly embarrasing photos taken. Although these 'girly nights' as we've come to call them aren't just dress ups but also have been for things like helping me learn how to put on make-up, do my nails and a few other feminine things. As far as the pictures go though... well I might decide to put a few up for show, but I'd have to go through them first. The first two times I only got a combined total of nine photos, however from the girly-nights (two consecutive, un-interupted nights of girly fun without anyone else home) that just finished roughly three hours ago we managed to accumulate five hundred and seven photos (might take a bit to go through them all and find the good ones).

Well, its been nice to actually finally say something other than my introduction. Hope to post again soon!

Missy's Journal 08

2008-12-29T19:45:00.003+09:00

I was gonna post on Christmas, but I didn't finish writing the journal entry. I don't want the blog to die out so I have to write a journal now, before it grows cobwebs. :p (But do we still have any readers?)

Christmas was okay. Nothing special like usual, but it had food and presents and such so it's something to enjoy. I got a new mobile so I don't have to use my old one anymore. Better be extra careful that stuff doesn't happen to it (like making sure i don't leave them in pants... Which i wasn't even in the habit of doing even when my last phone went swimming in the washing machine. So the point is to be careful). I also got some shelves... so my manga that's overflowed the cupboard space I had for it can continue to grow. Hehe... :p

I don't know... What to talk about. It's depressing to think that things still haven't really changed. I should stop being lazy and find a part time job or something. But I'm so unmotivated to do anything. Stupid holidays. I'm just wasting lots of time. Staying up until practically morning looking for stuff to do to entertain me. Then sleeping most of the day away. And it's not that I don't want to do useful stuff. It's just my stupid lack of motivation.

But hey... Maybe if I have readers. They can tell me in these comments what they want me to talk about. Ask me questions or something so I feel some interactivity in this blog.
Hug-hug~ Should eat dinner now...

What Astrology says about Missy

2008-12-12T22:04:00.002+09:00

Okay... so I used a natal chart generator to see what Astrology has to say about me. Hehe... when it's as specific as natal charts are, the results are amazingly close to home. (I mean daily horoscope thingies fail 'cause they have to be so 'one size fits all' like.) It kind of makes me out to be a bitch. But I suppose I am Y_Y
I left out the tables and charts, because I don't think you're into them
but here's the thingie I used to find the stuff out.
http://www.0800-horoscope.com/birthchart.php

Sun in Taurus:
She is strong-willed and conceited. She has charm, and is tolerant and stoical. She likes pleasure and the good things of Life. Appreciates the Arts.
Weaknesses: obstinacy, laziness. She is too materialistic, and is a snob. She is greedy and proud.

Moon in Sagittarius:
Likes to throw herself into the unknown and into adventure: she is agile, tough and enthusiastic. Attracted to long voyages, to discover the unknown.
Weaknesses: takes great risks in throwing herself into the unknown and into adventure. Audacious, bold and rebellious. Unable to stay in one place, is always ready to risk everything to achieve her goal.

Mercury in Taurus:
She is faithful to her ideas, unchangeable and opinionated, persistent, but discreet. Likes all the pleasures Life can offer. She is sometimes naive.
Weaknesses: stubborn, obstinate, withdrawn. Slow to react.

Venus in Gemini:
"Gift of the gab", always finds the right expression. A good talker, refined, with a love of the Arts. Two-sided in emotional affairs, flirtatious. Superficial emotions. Countless and inconstant love affairs. Likes to play love games.
Weaknesses: Instability and fickleness in love. Often goes too far in love because of the desire to flirt and play on the other person, who will often suffer - but that is not her problem. Inconstant in love, which is ephemeral: she is unfaithful and can sometimes speak caustically.

Mars in Aquarius:
She uses her aggressiveness in a social battle for freedom, or independence or adventure, but always linked to society. Likes adventure, independence. Disturbances, changes, upsets.

Jupiter in Taurus:
She likes the good things in Life and knows how to profit from them. A high liver, but perhaps a little too greedy. She controls and administers her affairs, money well.
Weaknesses: she is a little too obsessed by increasing her material possessions, money. Has too great a desire to possess, to be powerful.

Saturn in Capricorn:
She is scrupulous, honest, correct, worthy and respectable.
Weaknesses: melancholy, sullenness, disappointment and bitterness.

Uranus in Capricorn:
A great battler. She has so much power, that one thinks nothing can defeat her. Her mission in society, in the world means everything to her.

Neptune in Capricorn:
She is discerning, wise and sensible.

Pluto in Scorpio:
Great sexual activity.

. . .

Sun in IX:
Prolonged scientific research. High ideals. She is gifted for languages and it is even more interesting for her to live abroad. Professionally successful abroad.

Moon in IV:
She likes family life, peace and quiet: she likes to stay at home, surrounded by loved ones, in agreeable circumstances. Positively influenced by the mother.

Mercury in IX:
Her thirst for knowledge is never satisfied. She is full of mental activity. She undertakes exhaustive studies, always studying for pleasure. Likes journeys to faraway places, and can go to live abroad.

Venus in X:
Her best years are in the parental home and also the last years of life. That said, the rest are not unhappy, but contain certain hurdles. Love can help in professional life, she has a gift for seduction. She likes to entertain: she likes comfort and the attractions of home-life.

Mars in VI:
She works with great pleasure and flat out but meets with problems at work, where professional rivalry blocks her ideas and enjoyment.

Jupiter in IX:
Deeply intelligent, she is tolerant and sincere. Professional success can happen abroad or in connection with foreign countries. Faraway voyages are profitable.

Saturn in V:
She likes method, calculation, concentration. She is not drawn towards amusements, or pleasure in general. She has few friends, but has deep and sincere feelings. She is serious in everything.

Uranus in V:
She is independent, likes even dubious distractions. Her amorous adventures are not only numerous but also very complicated, otherwise they hold no charm.

Neptune in V:
Extravagant love affairs, great passions.

. . .

Ascendant in Leo:
Sign of good health, vitality. Certain of success, either in sport, the Arts or something else. Very full emotional life.

House II in Libra:
Income will come either as a result of an advantageous marriage, or by a very useful association.

House III in Scorpio:
Makes a good investigator because she is very curious, likes researching and does this with a lot of patience, likes to solve mysteries. Knows how to take risks, while being aware of the dangers.

House IV in Sagittarius:
She will certainly marry a foreigner, or go to live abroad permanently and set up home there.

House V in Sagittarius:
Likes adventure, travel, gambling, takes risks for the pleasure of it, treating it as a game. Lots of love affairs.

House VI in Capricorn:
Works hard, unceasingly and patiently. Weak point: the cold, changes in temperature.

House VII in Aquarius:
A slightly hasty marriage. The relationship between man-and-wife will be very friendly and full of understanding. Both will love their independence, their freedom of action. If one refuses to give this to the other while insisting on it for himself, then a divorce will ensue.

House VIII in Aries:
The spouse will tend to spend more money than she earns. Be careful of any haste that could prove dangerous. Drives a car too fast.

House IX in Taurus:
Travels but little, no great attraction for abroad. Doesn't change principles, practically never changes mind.

House X in Gemini:
Profession requiring lots of change and movement. If this isn't the case, then lots of job changes. Likes to move, travel, write.

House XI in Gemini:
Likes meeting, ceaselessly discussing with well-informed people, full of ideas.

House XII in Cancer:
Problems will only come from the family.

. . .

540 Conjunction Sun - Jupiter:
She has high social ambitions, respects justice and the law. She is tolerant, optimistic, kindly. She has every chance for professional success in a strictly legal setting.

360 Conjunction Saturn - Uranus:
She knows how to be on top of the situation. She perseveres, is determined but ingenious and original. She is very practical. She proceeds slowly, but is always bound to achieve her objectives in the end.

-225 Opposition Sun - Pluto:
This aspect means fights and setbacks. She is presumptuous.

-143 Opposition Jupiter - Pluto:
She tends to exploit others, and has a doubtful honesty.

90 Sextile Venus - Ascendant:
She likes everything beautiful, the Arts, balance and harmony. She is amiable and sociable. She likes entertainment and has a loving nature.

84 Conjunction Mercury - Midheaven:
She likes to have her own ideas about things, to form an opinion and think over the problems it poses. She is an intellectual.

74 Conjunction Saturn - Neptune:
Her plans are realized in a methodical fashion, she works hard to achieve success.

-72 Opposition Moon - Midheaven:
She has an irresolute nature, with sudden changes of humor. She is unstable and does not follow through on her own objectives. This instability shows itself not only in professional life but also in love life and friendships.

-68 Opposition Venus - Uranus:
She looks for new sensations in love and is often unsatisfied by affairs which quickly turn into purely conventional relationships. She likes novelty, adventure, the eccentric: she is frivolous, unstable, unfaithful. Marriage is not for her and, if she does throw herself into this adventure, it will end in divorce, written off as a youthful mistake. As a result of her numerous love affairs, she makes sure her line is continued.

(66 Sextile Neptune - Pluto)

61 Trine Sun - Neptune:
She has a fertile imagination, is full of inspiration, and very emotional - all qualities that she uses on the professional level. She likes the Arts, beauty.

-60 Opposition Venus - Saturn:
This aspect sometimes means unhealthy sensuality. She is hard, and does not know how to express her emotions. She is frightened of showing her love, and this leads to disappointments, break-ups, lack of satisfaction. It is likely that she had problems with her mother, who did not know how to love her or give her self-confidence. She doubts, is suspicious and jealous. She will learn how to be happy in love, to be at ease with herself and to control her jealousy in the second half of her life, thanks to an older person, who gives her self-confidence back to her, so she can then trust others.

-52 Opposition Mars - Ascendant:
She is quarrelsome, critical and violent. Her success is obtained by dubious means.

-46 Square Sun - Mars:
She is violent, impulsive. She throws herself headlong into situations without ever thinking of the consequences of her actions. This can cause a lot of problems. She cannot stand still and channels badly the energy which she possesses.

44 Trine Jupiter - Neptune:
She is very generous and altruistic, helping people in difficulty or sick people. She knows how to listen or, at least, how to give that impression. She is a dreamer, with lots of imagination: she likes the Arts.

24 Trine Venus - Mars:
She is amorous, not a peaceful and calm lover but a passionate one with a strong temperament. She is demonstrative in love, and likes healthy pleasures. She enjoys life to the full.

-14 Square Mars - Jupiter:
She refuses to accept any guidance. She lacks forethought, acts impulsively and sometimes imprudently, which can cause problems. She wants everything yesterday and uses whatever means necessary to achieve her objectives, even if they are dishonest or not very commendable. Her emotional life is fraught with quarrels and sometimes violent conflicts.

(12 Conjunction Uranus - Neptune)

-5 Square Mercury - Ascendant:
She likes to criticize, to gossip. Frequently arguing, she is nervous but also disturbed. She looks out too much for a verbal battle, and is provoking.

2 Trine Uranus - Ascendant:
She is always changing, is unstable. She is ready to innovate, to change everything. She is inventive.

Missy's Journal 07

2008-12-12T18:23:00.006+09:00

Hehe... I love the number 7. It just seems so dark and mysterious or something. I have a character I like to put in stories or whatever called Seven. (Yes, I'm planning to have a Seven in the story I'm plotting at the moment. Of course 7 isn't actually my favourite number, 3 is my favorite number.

But yeah, that was random. I've seemed to be wasting these past few days. I mean I guess for a while I was playing Morrowind again, and getting somewhere with it. But now I feel more like injecting myself with story and plot. Like I'd want to play a Final Fantasy type of game, a RPG that imerses you in a story. Unfortunately, I've milked all I can of SNES and GBA titles through emulation, and I just don't have the resources to play Playstation titles. I loved Chrono Trigger, Terranigma, Tales of Phantasia and Treasure of the Rudra(Squaresoft title never released in English, but as with lots of titles, you can play fan-made translations using emulators). I guess I should just borrow some books and some videos, is unlikely I'll find games to satisfy my thirst for plot.

I was thinking that I might present a summary of my natal astrology chart using an online calculator thingie. But I'm not sure of the exact time of birth so I'm struggling to decide which one describes me best. I mean plenty of things are shared in a small point of time, but there can be plenty of little things that change in the difference of a minute. I think I was born sometime between 1:40 to 1:50PM but even if I stick to that, the calculator can give me ten different results. Even so... I'll decide on one and post it here sometime. I'll even give you the online calculator I use so you can try it out for yourself. I'm not actually a big fan of fortune telling stuff, but astrology birth charts are great for describing people because they're so personal. And if something else describes you, it's probably more honest. I might just go with 1:45pm...

Mmm... Banana chips... No real nutritional value, but tasty snacks. Somehow I like bananas better if they're crunchy. But that was irelevant, I just felt like talking about my snack, Y_Y that's kinda pathetic isn't it. I prefer to write casually. Even if I have a point, I like to just act like I'm talking normally to a friend. I like when things sound personal. Like it feels more real. Proffesionalism is so overrated. It's the flaws that make people human, and what makes them likable. Which is also to say that your troubles and challenges are what make your own life interesting. Stories fail if there's no conflict. I mean I remember I used to sleep with the radio on and sometimes just stay awake in bed listening to the radio. The station I listened to changed with taste and such. But when I listened to a national radio station (Triple J) I liked listening to a segment that aired late on Saturday night, which i guess was Sunday early morning too. But it was mostly a call in show, and you had lots of drunk people calling up and talking crap that just happened to be amusing. (Drunk people are very amusing, just scary if they approach you...). Reality TV is crap, but I think it's more about the fakeness and showyness that makes me hate it. I do like seeing real people doing real things, but reality TV plays things so fakely, and I don't want to waste my time watching other people doing boring stuff. But I guess I rarely watch TV anyway. In day-to-day practice; I guess I love teachers and lecturers that you can be friends with, or atleast ones that share their life and experience. And customer service can be too fake if there isn't enough person in it. Meh... whatever I guess...
I'll leave it at that maybe. Hug-hugs~

Missy's Journal 06

2008-12-08T12:44:00.002+09:00

Hmm... Let's see... I handed in my assignments, but only today because I went too late on Friday. They should be alright but I don't know... I'll just hope for the best.

I guess it's holidays for me now, giving me plenty of time to do stuff. But I never was one to enjoy holidays all that much anyway. I guess there is too much time. The fact is that I have little I can do with the time. I always just want to be doing stuff, but I don't have anywhere to go. I mean sure, I should make myself useful and find a job, or something equally as productive. And I will try to do so. But I want fun. I want to socialise with people and do crazy things. But I just don't feel like I can. I just feel so pathetic for not passing, and I need wastable money to really do all that much.

I hate money, it makes sense and sorts out a problem, but you need it to do anything. And that means if you don't earn much, you don't really get to do anything. It's not even that you get out what you put in, because the people who are really wealthy do f**k all. Sure they face there own problems, but the point is money isn't a thing of equivalent exchange. I don't want to destroy the system of money, but I just wish it didn't stand in my way so much.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling crappy at the moment. I guess it's all the petty frustrations and stuff. I feel lonely. I mean I have friends, but I don't feel close to them, I don't feel like I belong. I mean they might get offended by me saying that. But it's true. I don't really get into their conversations, and they get upset or misunderstand me plenty of times. I just feel alienated and left out, even though it's not the intention. I think this blog makes me lonely too. It's not suprising, but I don't have any readers and such and to those I do, I can't help them or be valued by them. You can call me an attention seeker, but really, I don't want everyone to pay attention to me, I just don't want to be left out at anytime. I guess I am just a spoiled little princess...

Oh... I'm hungry. I think I'll stay here at family's for dinner. I can smell food and it's making me hungry. Plus if I go home, there won't be all that much to eat. It's nice that Sarah posted, but she's mean writing insulting labels to me. I'll leave it there for a bit, but then I'll delete it. Of course I might be proving her point T_T. You know I heard someone say bossy guys become police and bossy girls become librarians. Am I bossy?
I saw a picture of Sarah the other day and I think it's made me depressed because she's so pretty. I feel jealous 'cause I'm ugly and unpassable.

Oh... And the other day IMVU was being dodgy. I was window shopping and tried on a dress, But the top of the dress didn't show up, and so it was revealing my avatar's chest. It's funny because you're not supposed to be allowed to see your character naked. If you take of your avatar's clothes you get a yukky default shirt and shorts. But it was glitching and showing off her breasts. because the top part wouldn't appear.

But yeah... Hug-hugs~
I still offering to research stuff for people and still seeing if any of my friends want to discuss the story...

Introductions and pleasantries~

2008-12-04T21:59:00.007+09:00

This is Sarah.
She's a sweet little transgirl, with a baby streak, a little girl kink and a touch of emo styling (aka easy-mode for gender rebellion). In addition to the above, this little girl often types in third person and uses lots of these things: ~
Yup~

Those things.

Generally sweet and personable, and entirely super-geeky, this baby finds her affections taken by all manner of time wasters from writing to singing to Rock Band and LAN parties - what a neeerrrrdd!~ But gosh if she doesn't enjoy it all, regardless of how guilty these pleasures might be. Never afraid of her opinion, never intimidated or awed at the odds, Sarah's happy enough to be herself against all opposition; with a mantra of "When all else is lost, never lose yourself" as her sword and an undeniable smile as her shield, no foe is insurmountable.

Mid-transitional, with a healthy and plump pair of breasts to identify in the ultimate feminine manner, you'll find this lady is no stranger to her chosen and natural gender in defiance of natures way ~ what lies upon the shores of the distant islands peppered throughout the estrogen ocean is all part of the fun. Other fun past-times to the girl with the funny hair and the huge eyes beyond those aforementioned are procrastination, masturbation and mastication; as well as the usual 'normal' timewasters. Piercings, body modification and all manner of kinks round out the package of this little girl and what a package she possesses, to boot.

Lots of love and perhaps more will be forthcoming - though this post took many more months than Missy would have preferred!~

Missy's Journal 05

2008-12-04T16:23:00.002+09:00

Hmm... Let's see... I've sorted things out to do with course and repeats and such. I'm going to go on and just repeat one unit flexibly. Of course it's not quite set yet though, because I have to get some assignments in by Monday. Even that isn't hard though, because I've done most of them, and only need to do my bibliography assignment, which would be simple if I could decide and commit myself to a topic. But at least I don't have to do the assignments that were stressing me out, at least not yet anyway, and it's the all-at-onceness necessity that probably stressed me out.

I've been plotting more about the story recently, and recruiting a few characters off people I chat to on MSN. I mean anyone else can try and get in touch and discuss it with me, but I'm not going to explain the scenario/setting publically untill I post some of the story (which I haven't started writing), because I guess I don't want someone to run off with my idea. It's not that I think it's all that good/exceptional. I just want to show off my story before someone else does something with my inspiration. I mean I think Fox Tales Times members recycled my "Manticore's Tail" RP after I stopped going. But anyway... I'd like to hear from people I know if they're interested.

Hehe... I guess I'm looking for more interactivity and reasons to follow my blog. While doing an assignment I came up with another idea for what I can offer with out blog. I'm trying to become a library technician because I want to help people with their research and problems. I am good at problem solving and locating information, but I think I need to work on explaining and writing out what I've located. So I've therefore been inspired to have like an "Ask Missy" sort of thing. People could ask me to find research material for their assignments, or like ask me something they've wanted to know, and I could make a post directions to resources and summaries in reply to the questions. It has to be in my free time and such, so it'd be a bit casual. But I'd love it if I could help people.

It's nice to see Lily posted something. Maybe Amy should write something to. And definitely the other author who hasn't even written an introduction. She's mean, snubbing our blog like that T_T, I can't even get in contact with her...

But like hug-hugs for my nice readers~

Lily's Journal 01

2008-12-02T11:26:00.001+09:00

So it's time I finally stand up and write something after being gone for so long and busy with tons of stuff. I'm doing very bad right now as I'm still very depressed about my gender stuff and having parents who have nothing better to do than yell at me doesn't help either. I've been being as much of a girl as I can get away with but the sad truth is.... It's never enough, I want more. I've done quite a few things I'm not proud of to provide me with at least some happiness but I did what any unhappy person would've done if they wanted to be happy but were out of options. That's survival of the fittest for ys, it's a kill or be killed world out there. Ya have to do whatever it takes to be happy even in a situation like us. from stealing your grandmother's bras to mooching off your girlfriend the same rule applies for those with limited options. Some dude I learned about but can't remember once said "The ends justify the means." I totally agree with that dude in my situation and if you must resort to doing stuff your not proud of for even a little spec of happiness then so be it. Reality never played by our rules so I don't see any reason why we should ply by Reality's. We are victims of human nature as it is part of any organism as a basic instinct to fight for survival any way they can. When survival is the issue, sometimes those who are desperate enough do not care about the issue of morality. We fight day by day to survive and we will use any means necessary because the ends justify them in our case. I only have to think based on instinct for another 7-8 months, but it will be a long 7-8 months. and of coure the 5 cavities I got and the upcoming filling won't help me either. Yup, my depression also got in the way of my dental health........

Missy's Journal 04

2008-12-01T20:59:00.003+09:00

Here you go~ Seeing as I was talking about my display last time, I decided to give you a picture of it. Is nothing special but whatever... When I took it down today I did notice that a couple of the books were removed so at least it encouraged someone. ^_^

Let's see... I don't know what to do about my course though. I mean I should be able to pass most of the classes, but just the assignments for one class is making me sick with stress. I don't think I'll be able to do them. I had something like a fit over it on the weekend and broke my file. It's possible it's withdrawal symptoms though, because I ran out of estrogen sometime last week and I don't see the doctor until Thursday. But I'll have to see how re enrolling and repeating works. If I'm lucky I'll be able to just re-pay for the classes I fail and just hand in what I didn't hand in to get a pass in it. I don't feel like I can do all the assignments now.

Of course it's really silly. The assignments are like comprehension, I just need to take stuff from the book or handouts or websites or whatever. All I need to do is put it in my own words and submit it. But I don't want to and now it makes me sick when I think about it. I think like I said, I think for my own health, I should re-enrol in them and hand them in when I finish them. I think I already failed some courses that went for one term anyway, so I need to repeat them, even if they might be electives. I still want to have the competencies.

I've been thinking a bit more about my story idea. But I'll have to write some stuff before I start showing stuff. At the moment, I'm just discussing ideas with my boyfriend. The story is going to be dark fantasy I suppose. It will revolve around a village and missions(in the same way as Naruto), therefore allowing for a similar plot style. That's all I'm copying. It's not about ninjas, and it's not even an adventurer guild. It's more like a taboo village that employs citizens to both defend it and to gather artifacts / explore tombs. Stuff like that. But whatever...

It's depressing how little readers I have... Only Charlie replied... but hugs you all~

Missy's Journal 03

2008-11-25T18:35:00.003+09:00

It's amazing how much I've posted when the other authors of this blog have only written an introduction, and one hasn't posted anything... Y_Y

But anyway... Still working at all the assignments. I think at the moment the most important thing to worry about is the library display assignment. I have to set up a display in a library, and as it happens, I've only managed to be able to slot it in for four days starting Thursday at my local library. After-all, then it's time for Christmas decorative displays.
It seems that before me someone has done a display on cooking, and the other person has done a display on growing your own vegetables. So with that pattern I've decided that I need a useful display too. I've decided on 'Learning a Language'. Of course I'm pressed for time now to gather resources for the display... Getting the relevant library books to put on the display is easy after scouting through the library. But I mean getting together the crafty bits and such. Let's see if I can do it.
Of course I also have plenty of other assignments clawing at me with urgency so I have to really get at them. I just think the display is the pressing one because it has such a realistic deadline.

Other than that, I guess I want to write some more. Usually I don't have inspiration, but an idea is coming to me and I'm thinking of writing a continuing story for the blog. And as I love to do when I write stories, I want to allow people to suggest characters for the story, so people can feel an inclusion and therefore be more interested. Of course the characters would likely be background characters, but would recieve some occasional spotlight (I guess I'm being inspired by Naruto). Of course with my lack of conviction, I might just forget about it or stop before it really starts.

What else? I'm interested to know if anyone actually reads our blog. No one ever comments. And it seems like I only can get feedback from people I ask to check out this blog, which I doubt they revisit again of their own accord... Maybe I'd like to see comments from readers on this entry. Well whatever... Hug-hugs for you all~

Links

2008-11-24T16:17:00.006+09:00

This post is to describe the links we list on this blog... It will be updated as we add new links...

Blogs:
I Heart Diapers
---A blog written by an incontinent girl who has come to like nappies, and so is part of the whole nappy fetish/paraphilic infantilism community.

Craigysaurus
---He was a friend I had on DLTown. Just some ABDL guy who wasn't pathetic.

Links:
ADISC
---Stands for Adult Baby/Diaper Lover/Incontinence Support Community. It used to be tbdl.org. I used to be quite active on tbdl.org and continued when it moved to adisc.org (Even though tbdl.org's data was accidently destroyed in the process). It is a forum and I loved the community because it wasn't perverted and stuff. People talked seriously and harassed people for lying or being sleazy and such. I find it a bit too welcoming these days, but it's probably still the best community around at the moment

Fox Tales Times
---This is really a babyfur-ish community but has plenty of non-fur people in it. Has lots of diaper art and stories and there is a forum. Amy is pretty popular there (I think maybe even a moderator).

Diaper Divas
---A site owned by the Fox Tales Time artist, Hyro. He's a friend and is gonna draw some character pictures for the blog. Basically it's a site where he uploads his own nappy-related art.

Laura's Playground
---Hehe... This sounds and looks like a site made by a trans baby/little girl doesn't it. But it has nothing to do with paraphilic infantilism at all. It's just a transgender site.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

2008-11-20T15:45:00.005+09:00

Today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day to memorise people who died from anti-transgender hate or prejudice. Sorry I can't do anthing flashy for the occasion, but I got a list of transgendered people killed since from last year until now from:
http://www.transgenderdor.org

---

Kellie Telesford
Location: Thornton Heath, UK
Cause of Death: Strangled
Date of Death: November 21, 2007
Kellie was strangled to death with a scarf, by 18 year old Shanniel Hyatt, who then covered the body of 39-year-old Kellie Telesford with a white blanket - with the brown furry scarf used to choke her still bound tightly round her neck. Hyatt said he killer her after discovering she had a penis.

Brian McGlothin (Liked to dress in Women’s clothes
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Cause of Death: Shot in the head with an automatic rifle by Antonio Williams who is serving a six year sentence. Brian was 25 years old.
Date of Death: December 23, 2007

Gabriela Alejandra Albornoz
Location: Santiago, Chile
Cause of Death: Attacked and stabbed
Date of Death: December 28, 2007

Patrick Murphy (Found Dressed in Women’s clothes)
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Cause of Death: Shot Several times in the head
Date of Death: January 8, 2008
Patrick was 39 years old.

Stacy Brown
Location: Baltimore, MD
Cause of Death: Shot in the head
Date of Death: January 8, 2008
Stacy was 30 years old.

Adolphus Simmons
Location: Charleston, SC
Cause of Death: Shot to Death (Aldophus was 18 yrs. old)
Date of Death: January 21, 2008

Fedra (a known transvestite)
Location: Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia
Cause of Death: Was found lying face up in a pool of blood,
cause of death was not reported.
Date of Death: January 22, 2008

Ashley Sweeney
Location: Detroit, Michigan
Cause of Death: Shot in the head
Date of Death: February 4, 2008
The age of Ashley Sweeney is unknown, she was only described as a young transgender woman in a press release.

Sanesha (Talib) Stewart
Location: Bronx, NY
Cause of Death: Stabbed to Death
Date of Death: February 10, 2008
Sanesha was 25 years old.

Lawrence King
Location: Oxnard, California
Cause of Death: Shot to death by a classmate because he liked to wear
women’s clothes. (Lawrence King was 15 years old).
Date of Death: February 12, 2008

Simmie Williams Jr.
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Cause of Death: Shot to death, Simmie was found wearing women’s clothing. (Simmie was 17 years old)
Date of Death: February 22, 2008

Luna (no last name reported)
Location: Lisbon, Portugal
Cause of Death: Brutally beaten to death and tossed into a dumpster.
Date of Death: March 15, 2008

Lloyd Nixon
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Cause of Death:Repeatedly beat in the head with a brick.
Date of Death: April 16, 2008
Lloyd was 45 years old.

Felicia Melton-Smyth
Location: Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Cause of Death: brutally stabbed to death by Francisco Javier Hollos, who said he killed her because she would not pay for sex. Felicia was an HIV activist on vacation from Wisconsin.
Date of Death: May 26, 2008

Silvana Berisha
Location: Hamburg, Germany
Cause of Death: Stabbed to Death
Date of Death: June 24, 2008

Ebony (Rodney) Whitaker
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Cause of Death:Shot (Ebony was 20 yrs. old)
Date of Death:July 1, 2008

Rosa Pazos
Location: Sevilla, Spain
Cause of Death: Was found in her apartment, she had been stabbed in the throat.
Date of Death: July 11, 2008

Juan Carlos Aucalle Coronel
Location: Lombardi, Italy
Cause of Death severely beaten causing fractures to the head and face before being run over by a car.
Date of Death July 14, 2008
Juan Carlos was 35 years old.

Angie Zapata
Location: Greeley, Colorado
Cause of Death: She was found in her home with two severe fractures in her skull.
Angie was murdered by 31 year old, Alan Ray Andrade. Angie was 18 years old.
Date of Death: July 17, 2008

Jaylynn L. Namauu
Location: Makiki Honolulu, Hawaii
Cause of Death: Stabbed to Death
Date of Death: July 17, 2008
Jaylynn was 35 years old.

Samantha Rangel Brandau
Location: Milan, Italy
Cause of Death: beaten, gang raped and stabbed numerous times before being left for dead.
Date of Death: July 29, 2008
Samantha was 30 years old.

Nakhia (Nikki) Williams
Location: Louisville, Kentucky
Cause of Death: Found near the dumpster next to her home, she had been shot.
Date of Death: August 20, 2008
Nikki was 29 years old..

Ruby Molina
Location: Sacramento, California
Cause of Death: Drowned
Date of Death: September 21, 2008
Ruby’s naked body was found floating in the American river.
She was 22 years old.

Aimee Wilcoxson
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Cause of Death: undetermined (Police have yet to reveal cause)
Date of Death: November 3, 2008
Aimee was found dead in her bed. She was 34 years old.

Duanna Johnson
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Cause of Death: Shot
Date of Death: November 9, 2008
Duanna was found dead in the middle of the street. She was 42 years old.

Dilek Ince
Location: Ankara, Turkey
Cause of Death:Shot in the back of the head
Date of Death: November 11, 2008

Teish (Moses) Cannon
Location: Syracuse, New York
Cause of Death: Shot
Date of Death: November 14, 2008
Teish was 22 years old.

Ali
Location:Iraq
Cause of Death:executed for being transgender
Date of Death:2008, Month is Unknown
Video of Ali before she was executed: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2tDVtjQNfQ

---

I don't know, I should really add my own touch to this, I'm just not sure what to. I mean some people would talk of their experience of transphobia, but I haven't really had a proper experience to share. And I live in Australia, which isn't as bad as other places. I mean there is plenty of things that can be done, but the world is chaotic and any change can be changed back, I mean stupid-ass proposition 8 was passed. Gah!! I have stuff to do so I'll leave it at that
Huggles~

Missy's Journal 02

2008-11-18T09:47:00.006+09:00

*sigh*
I wish that I could say things have improved this week, but they haven't. I mean I've gotten the police certificate thing now, and I sent off the job application. That's atleast some constructive things done. And because I got a codec from a friend, I can now play all my flatmates downloaded Naruto episodes. So I have stuff to entertain me. But it's just other things that's getting me down. I mean for one, over the weekend my phone went through the washing machine and is now broken. I have an old phone of mine to use, but it's still a loss, and it's really that I'd just gotten that phone in May for my birthday and it's gone before Christmas. Atleast now I know what I want for Christmas... Y_Y. And I guess it's really TAFE getting me down. I still have all those assignments to do, and I want to do them, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Even when I'm in a good mood I just really can't concentrate enough get it over with, I can't find the starting place, the flow of words, aand how to set it out.

For me it's almost like English, my first language, is a second language to me. I have to try to translate my thoughts into English, because the knowledge is there, but I can't put it together into the format I need to put it in to prove my knowledge. It's what I never liked about education, the testing methods. I mean the world is imperfect so realistically it's not like anyone can do anything to make it good enough. But if you lack the skills to pass in one method of testing then you're knowledge and understanding is wasted because you don't get the recognition for them qualification-wise. Obviously mute people are stupid because they can't verbally answer a question you asked them. /sarcasm
I'll never be a qualified librarian, the university assessments would all be far too pretentious for me to complete, atleast TAFE is based off practical skills. I just wish I could pass some of the units by completing more motivation-inspiring tasks than the ones I have to do.

I need the to be passionate or interested in a task to get it done. Learning is a passion so I tend to take in a lot. But the thing is that when I'm not interested, I don't have the energy. I mean if it's something that you don't need to think about and that I can daydream through, I can do it, but not at the competitive pace the world wants it at, and after a while I'll just get too fatigued to continue with the monotonous task. And it's worse if it's something I have to think about, because you can't think when you aren't interested. Hehe... I can relate to Shikamaru (from Naruto), but then again, he's better than me because he's a genius and I'm not.

I don't have problems with self worth, I think I'm an awesome person. I like who I am. I just feel lonely and alienated, and it hurts because I care about this alien world I'm in, even when it holds little value to me. As I am, I'm a liability, and if I can't stand on my own feet I'll forever be someone's problem. People care about me, but I can't just depend on them, people can't take constantly giving and not getting back, even if they love someone. I mean sometimes they will, but it hurts and drains them regardless. Caring hurts. Maybe that's why I have so much apathy, because everything hurts and I'm too weak to deal with it.
That's what it means to be an adult though. Adults have to work hard and take on a lot of responsibility. They need to care about things and people, even if they don't want to, even if it hurts. Why would a girl want to grow up when growing up means throwing away your dreams and making yourself a pawn to society. It's funny though, because the secret to inner peace is to let go of everything and stop thinking and caring. Existance is naturally chaotic, so true order is learning to be nothing again. I guess becoming an adult is the step where you learn to be okay with just giving and serving. I mean the bible wants you to be content with giving and serving too (I guess I'll rant later on how conservative christianity is contradictory to true christianity though). I guess it's children who change the world, people who don't abandon their dreams and let their curiosity drive them. It doesn't really matter how much innocence you lose, you can still be a child at heart. Children aren't ready to give up on life and rest in peace, Children want to explore the world and stir the chaos further. Even those seeking world peace are in reality, stirring up more chaos and trouble. I want to learn and experience stuff, I want to be acknowledged and valued and of use to people. I definitely want to live. It's just that I'm a chaotic free spirit that doesn't want to conform to the perfect servant archetype that society expects all adults to be.

Anyway's here's hoping that I can get the stupid things over and done with. I'd like to be able to fix up my life without being anyone elses problem. Give me your spiritual support, Please kay?
Huggles for All~

Introductions: Amy

2008-11-10T13:39:00.014+09:00

Hello! I'm Amy. I'm an Australian baby transgirl. I was born and still live in Tasmania, that little island that is the southern most state of Australia yet most of the world seems to forget it exists. It is a very quite place to live here, and unfortunatly rather small with little to do compared to the other state capitals in Australia - which i can actually say I've visted all of (in truth I didn't find it very exciting). While I have been to every state and terrority in Australia atleast once I have never actually been outside the country at all, and I (like many others) really want to visit Japan one day. I have studied the Japanese language somewhat but I am still not very good at it at all, I have trouble remembering most things about it sadly.

When it comes to Infantlism I don't really have that much of sexual connection to it myself, like a lot of people its more of a lifestyle thing that is about comfort and security for me. As for sexual attraction to gender, in truth I'm still rather confused about that myself, I know I am attracted to females as for males however I am still unsure wether that is a yes or a no or more of a maybe if the situation is right kinda thing. As for how I see myself in infantilsm it tends to change, some days I feel more like nothing more than an infant, some days a toddler, however sometimes it can also be anywhere between me feeling like a five to ten year old that still needs to wear diapers because she can't control herself and half the time I just feel like a teenager (anywhere around fifteen or so) who is still incontient and babyish, so I guess I'm quite odd in the way I see myself sometimes.

I am actually a trained computer Technician, have got both my Certificate II and III in Information Technology. I am currently looking for work which is a slow tedious task due to all the work required and such. As you could probably have guessed I am somewhat of a computer nerd, I am quite talented with things when it comes to computers, being able to type quite fast as well as having a well developed mind for problem solving when it comes to computers. I also have quite a few interests with computers other than just work as I am also a gamer (which is apparently quite common among Computer Technicians). As for what games I play, well the truth is pretty much everything, as I have interests in all types of games from RPGs (Role Playing Games) to RTS (Real Time Strategy) to FPS (First Person Shooters) and much more. I personally play a lot of games just for the plot too, I have a horrible habbit of becoming addicted to certain games playing them the whole way through as fast as I can just to reveal all the plot if I like it enough which I guess I also do sometimes when I am reading.

My interests other than gaming include watching Anime, reading Manga, looking at various types of Art which I find interesting, reading webcomics, reading books, drawing and writing. I tend to have a rather large obession with plot when I'm watching shows or reading something, as I tend to find progression a rather important thing with entertainment, if nothing progresses it just feels stagnent and boring to me most of the time. I also enjoy doing various hobbies with my hands, for a long time I took up modeling, but that stopped as I had little time for it and not enough money for the supplies (which it turns out are quite expensive). I also have some minor skills with working with wood, but I don't do that very often as I actually have a fear of pain and all kinda of sharp dangerous objects. I have however though about taking up sewing as I thought it might be somewhat interesting to be able to make some clothes and outfits and such, and who knows, maybe even some cute things for a few friends :3

My personality in real life tends to be somewhat confusing to people due to how closed off I can tend to be around people. If I am nervous, which I tend to be around new people or people I don't trust I tend to be rather ridged and withdrawn. I used to be much different while growing up as the only two friends I had weren't really a good influence on me, not to say they were a bad influence but looking back at it I doubt I could really actually call them friends. In the tenth grade though I kinda just fell into the group I'm with now, since then I became less closed off and slightly more open then I was, but I guess growing up pretty much alone and confused takes more than a few years to undo. I am still somewhat childish in real life but I still tend to fall back into my old overly serious attitudes sometime, but I am still learning how to open up to people.

In real life I am about five foot six tall, although I wish i was much shorter, I would love to be around four and a half foot tall, I don't really know why, but I'd just feel somewhat happier that way. Ironicly, despite not actually being that tall at all, I am actually still the tallest in my family, taller than both my parents as well as both my older sisters. I have bright green eyes and long brown hair which is now past my shoulders but personally not long enough for my tastes.

Well I guess there isn't much else I can say for the time being without going into a lot more depth, but thats an over view of me and what I'm like, I look forward to posting again soon! (Hopefully I might even have a job by then ^_^)

Missy's Journal 01

2008-11-06T15:02:00.013+09:00

Well for a blog to live it need regular updates doesn't it? So I guess I can't wait for the other lazy girls to write an introduction before I begin posting, and seeing as I can't think of anything to rant about or show off, I guess the best thing to do is just talk about what's been happening for me recently...

Well if you read my introduction or heard it from me somehow, you'd know I'm studying at TAFE/college to become a library technician. I'm in the certificate II course currently and going to continue it until I get the diploma. I'm finding the whole thing interesting and easy, but I guess I'm struggling a bit in having to hand in assignments. I'm like that, I love to learn but hate doing the homework and such. But in this case, I don't have the Internet or Microsoft Office programs at home, and I missed the first week of class and didn't get the textbooks until later, so I'm at a disadvantage. Realistically though, they're just excuses and the truth is that I haven't put in enough effort towards getting them done, I'm always too stressed or distracted to concentrate on getting them done.

At the same time I just feel so restless recently. I want to get out and do stuff and try to improve my situation and widen my skills. I mean apart from all the skills I want to absorb all at once, what I really want already is to be passable. I mean it's really holding the whole transitioning thing back, that while I'm on hormones and such, I'm not really taking the proper step over. And it's depressing to be considered a guy and having to file yourself under those categories. I really need permanent hair removal, atleast on my face. I haven't got a particularly masculine body in fact it's kind of ambiguous. It's really just my shaving-based cuts and acne on my face that spoils it. So I'm desperate to get permanent hair removal. The problem is that student welfare money is only enough to eat poorly, not enough to fix yourself up. Obviously I need a job, but as a student, there is limited time I can work. And I'm not gonna earn all that much more if I do work in the small amount of time I can. I'm going to try to find a job to do on weekends anyway, and hope I can scratch together enough, I'd hate to wait until I have a job as a library technician because that'll be like two years from now and it's hard on my mentality now!

>>>On the subject of getting a job, There is a casual library shelver job I have my eye on now. I just need to get a silly police clearance certificate thingie... You know, something official to say I hasn't done illegal thingies. I hope I get it, untrained entry into library work is competitive, but atleast I have some training and experience to increase my chances. But I probably have competition that also has that much or more. I mean I never got my year 12... only year 11... (and that was practically fail, I don't know why i got to go on). And I'm afraid I might not get it because of transphobia. I think there might be anti-discrimination laws on that at the moment but I can't be sure, but you can still discriminate without making it obvious.

I suppose I spend a lot of time trying to escape reality. I buy or get nice friends to buy me manga and read them, borrow and read things from the library, rent and watch anime, or play/replay old games on my computer usually using emulators. I can't afford to buy nappies and my I haven't told my flatmate about that interest yet, so I don't really get to express that part of me, despite acting quite childish at home.

You know if I get requests I might just put on my blog a list of the anime I've watched and manga I own, but I wouldn't know how complete it was. I've watched far too many.
I could probaby write stuff about plenty of things, favourite books, favourite games(which would probably be more like favourite RPGs). Of course I was never a PlayStation gamer so there's plenty of games I'd love to play but never have. My lists are mostly SNES with the side of GBA and maybe N64... I mean I milked SNES and GBA so much for RPGs... Now I tend to replay most of them with walkthroughs trying to milk as much as I can out of them. I mean I only own a computer and a GBA SP. My flatmate owns a Wii and a DS (and obsolete GameCube and GBA). I play the odd one of her games. But she's more gamer than I am and it's not like Wii or DS have any good RPGs anyway. I can't play new PC games either because my computer only just plays Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion but not to a speed that it's practical to play.
I want to play Playstation RPGs with emulation, but .iso files are impractical to download. I borrowed a friend's Playstation and Final Fantasy VIII, and got near the end of Disc 3, but the controller broke (I guess I have to buy him a new one Y_Y). I can and started to replay it on my computer, but I worry it might break the disc (My disk drive did once break a disc that was in it, I had to open the computer up to remove the disc shards)

I don't know... I just need to pull myself together and get things done and get my life moving. I don't want to just sit around waiting forever. Maybe I'll be happy and passionate one day and complete all my assignments to lift that stress off me and maybe if I get the job I'll be able to get permanent hair removal and then start making something in my life. Transgendered Day of Rememberance is coming up, I should try and do something on blog for it. Hugs for all...

Introductions: Lily

2008-10-30T11:50:00.002+09:00

Hi I'm Lily and I'm (unfortunately) American born but part Swedish, German, Scottish, and maybe Italian. I'm proud of my Swedish heritage the most. I'm a Swede above everything else and wish to move either to Sweden, Japan, or Canada. Me is learning Swedish and its very easy to learn for me. I'll focus on Japanese next since that 1 is harder. I'm also an otaku and like anime and manga alot. My favorite manga and abime are yuri/shoujo ai (girl lovr) lesbian anime and manga. I'm not bi but I'm a very femme lesbian (guys lay off!!) so i like other girls. I'll be starting transition this summer and being myself but this last year before then hasn't been easy on me and getting too much for me too handle with everyday depression and what not. Parents, all they do is ywll at me and other stuff.

I'm like 1 of the rare infantalists as in spirit I'm about a 4-8 month old infant, usually 8 months. I will be choosing to go diapered full time, just a personal choice for me and yes, I will be using them for everything. I'm a huge tech geek and history geek and science geek. I love to learn and am a strong Atheist but use demonic imagery for symbolic reasons as my baby self has a backstory. called Lily short for Lilith named after Lilith, Queen of Succubi, Demon of waste in Jewish Mythology and Satan's favorite wife some I'm sort of a female antichrist, if that offends you then, Well... I don't know what to tell you.... So I'm a strong liberal Socialist who disagrees with Capitalism and Communism so yea

So that's me in a nutshell, soon to be a proud permanently diapered girl. Stay diapered =)

Introductions: Missy

2008-10-28T16:00:00.017+09:00

I'm a childish, Australian transgirl, maybe less baby and more late toddler, but obviously in the demographic authors of this blog are supposed to be in. There's the fetish side to nappies for me, but mostly being infantile is just what feels comfortable to me. In terms of relationships, I don't have a sexual attraction to either or any sex, but usually take the label of bisexual simply because it doesn't matter what sex people I get close to are. I currently have a boyfriend I met on the Internet, who amazingly fell in love with me, even knowing I was trans (and he's totally heterosexual). He's also into nappies and whatever.

I'm in the process of transitioning, being on hormones and such. I'm not passable at the moment, but that's really just because my face is sensitive and shaving it makes acne and cuts acne and doesn't do all that much towards hiding the fact that hair grows there. Shaving elsewhere is okay looking though, it's just annoying doing it so frequently. I desperately need permanent hair removal, but I'm a student and can only afford to eat and stuff. I'm not that bad otherwise. My voice definitely passes. My figure has some femininity to it, and I have breasts, even if you'd call them "mosquito bites". And I don't know, people call me cute, I just need to sort out that body hair to be at a stage where I'm at least androgynous and can look okay dressing how I want to.

I mentioned I was a student, I'm going to college so that I can be qualified as a Library Technician. It will take me like two years to get the diploma, and then I'll get a job in some library. Note that to be a Librarian, you have to go to university, and that's longer, harder, and expensive. Is easy and more practical to take this method.

Apart from being trans and childish, I guess I might consider myself otherkin too. I guess it's common for younger people have imaginative identities so maybe it's not surprising you find lots of babyfurs and otherkin equivalents. For me, my title tells you what I am. A Demon Princess. Of course that's only a princess of a small kingdom. And I use demon symbolically. In actual fact I define the species to be Meisai, and they look somewhat vampiric, with the ability to screw with other's perception (so basically can cast illusions and confuse). I'm fine with playing human, but when I'm relaxing with friends I just want to be myself.

I guess you might also call me an anime/manga nerd... Possibly even an otaku... I mean, I have a decent collection of manga forming and have watched lots of rented anime and have a collection of anime figurines and have some posters of Haruhi Suzumiya and a plushful Totoro penholder. And I sleep with a 1.5 foot Totoro plushy... I never meant to be such a fanatic, I just suddenly realised I was, besides without a friend who massively downloads anime, I can't really watch all the newer anime and such, and so I tend to dig backwards, watching classic anime series. Well I know I could watch streamed anime but I don't have the internet. And you need like an unlimited or at least high download limit if you want to watch lots of anime online. Currently I'm trying to learn Japanese by myself, Simply because I want to, and would like to live in Tokyo for a bit in the distant future. I try to read up about Japan so I'm not just some girl bedazzled by anime/manga and hearsay about it. Of course I gain otaku points because I'm one of the many people who want to learn the Hare Hare Yukai dance.

I like learning things, I'm a bit of a knowledge whore. Of course at the same time I don't concentrate very well if I'm not interested. I'm the type of person who loves to learn stuff, but hates to do work i don't set out on myself. I also love to create things but never seem to have any inspiration, and I don't really have the medium, I'm not much of a artist or writer and don't have passion for those kinds of things, and really, it's more like i want to create my own fantasy worlds for people to play in rather than to write stories.

Personality-wise, I act childish and cute when I'm relaxed and having fun, when I have to be serious, I'm blunt, critical, and speak my mind. I'm fine with calling myself a bitch, but I don't mean to hurt people, and I'd much rather just be having fun.

Oh goddess... There is so much I could say, but I think I'll reveal it in other posts when they come up... Hopes you'll continue to visit...